You would think that, however, the reality is that, I "hit a brick wall" this weekend. My body was tired, my mind was spent, and my spirit was weak. Not a good combination. And all of those added up in an equation, that left me reeling. I love my "job", my "purpose", my "destiny" that God has set me on the path to walk right now. I would not trade it for anything. I suppose however, in trying to "do", instead of trusting Him to "lead", I had lost sight of the goal for a bit. I had allowed "situations" to take priority that they did not deserve, and I was tired before I had even left, and that had set me up to "play catch up" all weekend, instead of just relaxing in the amazing opportunity He had gifted me with. It made me think of times, I had planned the "perfect" present for my kids, and either because they were tired, or preoccupied with something else, they didn't react the way I had hoped. I am sure that is kinda how I was with Him, this weekend. Two years ago, I would have never been able to attend one of these meetings, I would have never been able to afford it, both in time and money, but God is so much bigger than that....He worked behind the scenes, and provided me with the chance to go and not pay a dime....not in travel, not in fees, not in hotels, food, anything...what a perfect gift....how I imagine Him, giggling, waiting to see my expression when I found out I could go....and how He must have felt, when I allowed myself to get in the mindset I was in. Don't get me wrong, I am sure my neighbors must have thought I was going insane, when I openly wept for a few minutes during one of the speakers, as I let it sink in that I was there, really and truly there, somewhere I had never thought possible, surrounded by people who live life as I do, understanding the pain, and the cost of this disease, when for so many years, I literally thought I was the only one. Words cannot express how grateful I am to Him for His gift.
While all of the above is 100% true, it was so hard to leave my family this weekend, in part, because one of them was supposed to have been with me, and I felt so guilty in leaving him behind. I didn't fully enjoy seeing all of the sights of DC without him, and couldn't get him and his brother off my mind. I knew going into this "job" that it meant time away from them, but I also knew that God was perfect in His timing, and they are at an age that they are ok without me for short periods of time, and being away from them for a few days means they are with me during the summer and other breaks from school.....still....this momma missed her "babies" this weekend. That added to an event at the airport send me and my faith spiraling.
I have not been able to attend WOC on Sunday mornings for a couple of weeks, and I didn't realize how much that would affect me. Given the events of the past few weeks, I have been in the mindset of desiring so much, to be in worship, be in teaching, learning and absorbing all I can. I understand your private study time is critical, but I guess I missed church as much as I missed home. After all of the above, I was near a breaking point on the plane, but instead of withdrawing into myself as I would have done in the past, I really spent that time, praying and talking to Him, leaning into Him, and asking Him to minister to me. I had hoped to have my driver drop me off at church in time for Sunday nite services, and I have to admit, I was disappointed when I found out we were having a "movie" nite instead. I decided to still have him drop me there, at least I would see the boys sooner, right? I started asking God to speak to me, meet me, show me that He is still in control of this path, that I am still on track, that I am still hearing Him.....if He can provide a way for me to go to DC, then He can speak to me during a football movie, right?
I don't know if you have ever seen the movie, "Facing the Giants",, but if not, please make an effort to see it. It is an awesome, Christian based, family movie that tells the story of a ragamuffin team, and a coach who is at rock bottom, and how in their weakest moment, God's strength shines strong. hmmm.....coincidence that this was the movie that was playing? :-) There is a point in the movie, where a gentleman comes to the coach and reads the passage from Revelation 3, that says:
"We serve a God that opens doors that no one can shut, and He shuts doors that no one can open. He says: ‘Behold, I have placed before you an open door that no one can shut. I know you have a little strength, yet you have kept My word and have not denied My name, and I will withhold the trouble of this world"
How much I needed that verse....It spoke like an arrow straight to my soul. He knew what I needed from Him, and used a movie to speak it, right at the perfect moment.....the moment He knew I had hit a "wall", the moment He knew I had lost my footing and my sight was clouded, the moment He knew my strength was gone, and I needed to see His strength rise up and take hold and shine. How amazing He is. How loving He is. How perfect He is. OH! in case you are not familiar with this story...this is one of the letters to the churches...this one in particular is the letter to Philadelphia....those of you who know my story, know how much more this is also in His perfection....my journey.....it started............ in Philadelphia.......
Today I am thankful for opportunies, .....I am thankful for gifts from Heaven.....but most of all I am thankful for a Father, who loved me so much, He wrote me a love letter...thousands of years ago....yeah, it was also to a church....but somehow I believe He had me in mind when He wrote it......onward to tomorrow's leg of this journey....but for the grace of God, go I........
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