lessons from a convict

As I was getting ready this morning, I had the news playing on the t.v. and listening to the latest events, and one story in particular has stuck with me the entire day.  The details of the particular names, and places I don't recall, but the issue of the event is something that is unbelievable to me.  It seems, there was a retired 80 something year old sheriff that was gunned down on his way to his mailbox last week.  The person believed to have done it was also in his 80's and was a convict that the sheriff helped to put behind bars back in the 1980's.   Apparently the gunman has held a grudge against the sheriff all these years, and has been stewing and plotting his revenge all this time.  At first this seemed unfathomable to me....how in the world could someone carry around that baggage all this time?   How did he live a normal life?  Is that all he thought about?  Did the thought of how and when and where he could plot his revenge play over and over like a rerun in his mind, until it drove him to some sort of insanity?  As I was thinking of this through out my day, God revealed to me, yet again, a point that He has been putting in front of me, the importance of capturing every thought, every emotion, every opportunity for unforgiveness and rage to take root, to take inventory every day and make sure there is nothing left unattended for Satan to have, even for a moment.

     As I quickly passed judgement on the gunman, God reminded me, that I to, have deep rooted things, places where I am hurt, or rejected, or angered.  Even as I type this, I am reminded that if certain people or places or events are  mentioned, even to this day, I have to capture the thoughts and/or feelings that they instantly invoke.  We have all been there.   Someone mentions that third grade classroom, and you transport back in time to the moment, when you were singled out for whatever reason, and had a dark spot dropped on your timeline.....or fast forward to when you were a teenager and you felt rejected or ridiculed....another blot.....or when you think of certain holidays or events, and a parent or family member unintentionally left their stain.....yes....prayerfully, we have laid those down at the feet of Jesus, and left them...we don't carry them around with us on a daily basis...some of us still do....but for the most part, we are able to leave them and walk away healed.....but I would dare to say, the dark spots are still there, and even if for a moment, the pain will rear it's ugly head.....and we have to make the choice yet again, to walk away, and leave them where they lie, and we have to fight to find the lesson in it, and give it to a Father who loves us, and will bring healing.  We are the "blessed" ones.   How easy could that have been me?  How easy could I have carried around that burden of hate all these years, just waiting for my moment of revenge?  Maybe I am the only one, who , in my mind at least, hasn't thought of just what I would say or do, given the opportunity.  I had never really thought of thanking God for preventing  that opportunity, until today.  I thank Him for His forgiveness, and I thank Him, for teaching me how to forgive,  sometimes whether I am ready to or not, that He leads me by example.  All around us, it seems are people who are so locked in a self inflicted prison of hate, that they lash out and hurt all those around them.  How blessed I am, how truly blessed.  I know how the feelings of rejection and hurt and anger feel....I know how hard it is to force myself to drop those "stones" at the cross....I know how I have to fight with all I have to hear His voice and His truth over the lies Satan shouts sometimes.....I know how easy it would be to choose to lock myself into one of those prisons....just waiting for my moment of vindication to come.   But then, I have to think of Him......think of all He endured....innocently endured because of me......how easy it would be for Him to look and me and think, "it's her fault, that I had to die on that cross, it's her fault that I had withstand that pain".....and plot His revenge....if anyone ever had the 'right' to harbor resentment, to harbor hate, to harbor unforgiveness....it is Him.   But yet, He didn't.   He willingly gave Himself for me, and all the ugly things that came with me, and freely.....unwaveringly....granted me a pardon....and with that showed me the way to forgiveness....not only for others, but for myself, for all those deep-rooted places that only He and I can see.   I know the bible says that we have to forgive in order to be forgiven, and while I understand that means we cannot carry around these "I owe U's"....waiting for some sort of vindication that will more than likely never come,...that we have to choose to pardon others so that He can in turn pardon us, I am beginning to realize that maybe the biggest "I owe U" I carry is my own.   The one that I save for myself.....the one that covers the areas deep inside, the ugly places, that somehow Satan convinces me that are unforgivable......that is maybe what Jesus meant.....He knew that until we knew how to deal with those inner most places....the places that we try to pretend isn't there....those are the places where hate and anger and revenge dwell......and if unchecked seep into every other part of our being......until we allow Him into those places.....forgive ourselves and therefore unlock the door and allow Him to "clean and purify" those places.....how can we expect to forgive others?

     Thanking Him for giving me incentive to do a little "house cleaning" today....thanking Him for opening my eyes to His lessons for me in areas that I normally would have been quick to judge....but most of all thanking Him for loving me when I was unlovable....but for the grace of God, go I.....