anchored.....

I just returned from a trip to the beach. AHHHH....how relaxing, how beautiful,...what a reminder of the handiwork and powerfulness of God. I loved sitting and watching my kiddos snorkeling and looking for treasures under the surface, and sharing their excitement when they would pop up with different things for me to see. Yes, most of their finds were not perfect, they were chipped, or broken, or worn from the tossing of the waves, but taking the time to examine them with the their young, innocent eyes, it amazed me at the intricate detail of each one....how each one had tiny little details, and it made me wonder, did God hand paint each one, did He hand carve each little etching detail with such delicate care? He, yet again, gave me an opportunity to share, that we, like those shells, are different examples of His love, yes...we each have, or will have over time, cracks or imperfections, but that those blemishes doesn't take away from the fact, that each of us, are handcrafted by a Father, who also took the time, to "handcraft" us, putting tiny little details into our beings as well, and that if He took the time to make each of those shells so beautiful, how much more does He put into us, the ones who are made in His image?

 He spoke to me so much over those few days, another example that I am sorting out, is how I felt standing in the surf, feeling the ground shift from beneath me. My sister and I had talked about that feeling, and how she loves it....the roughness and the pull of the water, and the ground, fading from beneath you, as you sink into the waves. I, on the other hand....HATE...that feeling. I want to know that I am secure. I want to know that I can walk out into the water in my own time, my own way and choosing. I want to know that the ground is solid beneath me, as it should be. The entire time, I was in Florida, anchors were in the forefront of my thoughts. I had told my friend to help me watch for an anchor on a boat, because I wanted a picture of one. I didn't know what lesson God was working out in me, but I knew He had something to say with an anchor, in fact, the verse in Hebrews,..."I have this hope, as an anchor for my soul...strong...and secure...", literally kept playing over and over in my thoughts. We had went to the Naval Aviation Museum, on the Naval airbase in Pensicola-(which was awesome btw..), and there were two huge anchors there, pictures are on my wall, but I had to laugh out loud at our Father, He heard my prayer for a good anchor for a picture and representation of that verse, and boy did He deliver....this anchor was massive, overpowering, and a wonderful representation of strength, so much more than the little anchors on the boats in the Harbor....but back to my point....Standing in that surf, feeling that uneasiness of the shifting beneath me, He brought the anchor back to my mind. The ocean is beautiful, yes, it is powerful, but it is also fickle, it never stays the same, not even for a moment, with each wave comes something different, new shells to see, new things to distract us, just long enough for the ground beneath us to slip away, a little at a time, until we are "knee deep", in the mire, having to pull with all we have to step out. It made me understand all anew the importance of knowing what is my anchor, my security,...knowing that while I may get distracted by all that is around me, my hope is strong, secure, steadfast, and that I can depend on Him, to hold me, grounded to Him.

 I have more to write....He is calling me to another place with this blog, than I first imagined....I have been fighting Him, on it, because He is asking me to be very real, very open, and therefore very vulnerable with things He is walking out in me. I having always asked Him, why He didn't choose to give me the gift of singing, I love to write praise songs more than anything, but they mainly sit in a box, collecting dust, because I don't have the voice to sing them..but another thing He has told me during this trip, is that He is calling me to write, sharing my story...why I dont know....things that are personal, painful...things I don't want others to know....but I have to be obediant to Him, and hold fast to the verse He has shown me....Psalms 144:1....."He is my strength, and prepares my hands for war, and teaches my fingers how to fight". I may still want that voice to sing, and may not be ready to share all of my story, but I have to hold fast to the truth that He will not ask me to do anything that he will not prepare me for, nor give me the strength to do....I am safe with Him....I am secure with Him....I am anchored with Him.....I don't know why I have chosen to write these silly little writings, maybe it is for my kiddos some day....or maybe it is just for me...to show me that He is taking me on a journey to change who I am at my core, and if writing is the way He is calling me to "fight the good fight"....then I have no choice but to obey.....but if you are reading these, please have patience with me....please have accountability with me....and please...please....always remember....always look for your journey....it is out there....just waiting for you to take your first step.....until the next.....

"I'll trade ya"

It's funny how God uses your kids to teach you such powerful lessons in life. Just the other day, I overheard my boys in the old familar game of "I'll trade ya". I am sure we all remember days of being in a lunchroom, when everything from fries to cookies were exchanged with one quick, "I'll trade ya". It made me smile to think back to some of those times, and remember some good trades, and then a few others where I maybe didn't fare so well in the end, or maybe, remember the kid who had the tuna sandwich, or some other less appealing option, and therefore didn't fare so well in the game. Somewhere in all of this, it made me wonder, did God and satan ever play this game? Did satan ever come into the throne room, and offer me up as a trade? I wonder how that might have played out....Satan: "I have one for ya, God..she's a doosie...she'll lie with the best of them at times. God: "I'll trade ya. Satan: "Really???!! Look at her, she will be blantely disobiedant to you, she will without thought at times, break your laws, and be rebellious to you! God: I'll trade ya. Satan: "Wow, you must really have something you want to get rid of! I mean, seriously, she will turn her back on you, she will walk away, she will at times not even act as though she knows you. What do you say to that?" God: "I'll trade ya." Satan: "Alright, Alright, whatever you want....what could you possibly have to exchange for something as worthless as her?" God: "All I have, All my world, All that I can possible give...I will give of myself. I will exchange her imperfection for my own perfection. I will replace her unforgiviable blood with my own pure, flawless blood. I will choose to leave all I have, and send a part of me for you to TRY and destroy as a payment for all she has done, and will do. I will trade her for me." ...........wow....I had never thought of a possible exchange like that....what unfathomable love. What an optimist! Why can't I have that much hope? That insight? That love? How He could have made a trade like that, is something I will never understand this side of eternity, but you can bet, it will be one of the first things I ask Him....why??? how??? I break His heart probably on a daily basis....I am human...I am weak...I fight a disobediant, rebellious nature with all I have to fight, and yet, most days, it isn't enough. I guess that is what it all boils down to though, right? It will never be enough, I will never be enough, and HE knew that, that day. HE knew without His sacrifice I had no hope....and that is why, HE looked at Jesus that day, then looked at my pitiful heap, and said without hesitation, "I'll trade ya". I can only pray for a portion of that much love. With just that much, we can can change the world......overwhelmed at Him, yet again....but for the grace of God, go I.....

conversation with the devil

I am totally overwhelmed and amazed at the love of our Father today. I knew when I chose obediance in stepping out onto this journey, that in doing so, would be opening myself up to attack, and I knew, in my heart, that when it came, that God would be there. It's funny though, how quickly what we "know" in one moment, becomes what we have to fight with all we have to "remember" in the next. "Satan, you ripped the rug out from under me yesterday". I'll give you that. I never anticipated how resourceful you can really be in how you plan your attacks and counter moves in trying to unsettle us. Especially when you know that God is stirring deep within, dislodging things that you put into place long ago. How clever you are when you think you are being pried out of areas of our lives. How exhausting it must be, moving from place to place, and person to person, seeking to destroy....I wonder....do you ever miss Heaven...do you ever miss peace....do you ever miss your purpose....is that what makes you so evil, and "hell" bent on destroying every good thing? My kids asked me once, if I thought that Jesus thought of you and was sad....at first I said no, but now.......I think....He once loved you...and loved hearing your praises.....and saw first hand with you, the effects of greed. I think now, that maybe yes...somehow He does hurt for what happened to you...maybe that is why He so diligently spoke against the dangers of greed and pride. How delighted you must have been yesterday....you planned your attack well, and struck with a percision that would make our military envious. I admit, you caught me off guard and it was easy to knock me down....to make me lose control and say things that I regret...or to take my eyes off Him, in a human moment of feeling out of control and in a tailspin, and let you rattle me to my core of my faith, and doubt everything He has been teaching and leading me to for months now. BUT.....I have to say....that wasn't the end of this story was it? I literally crawled into church spiritually this morning....you had shaken me to the core, and I wanted to crawl back into bed, pull the blankets up and let you have the day. BUT....guess what? HE anticipated your moves...HE put actions into motions with people that neither you, nor I, could have thought part of this...and HE was faithful in giving sermons to not one, but two pastors today, to remind me of HIS truth, and guess what.....you may have knocked me down to the point, I crawled into one church this morning, but HE was there, and HE is faithful and just to hear me, and HE picked me up...you may have "spiritually terroized me, but HE has not left my side, and you may have knocked me down, but you did not BREAK me!"...2 Cor. 4:9, the msg,....and while I crawled into that church, I was leaning on HIM, and yes....still limping out...but up...on my feet...looking to HIM....and together we walked into the other church-(which I was invited to as a total..."surprise")-and yet again, I found a pastor that had a sermon hand tailored for me...even came off the pulpit and said...this isn't what I had planned to say...but there is someone here struggling with this...and this is from God to you...coincidence? Some might say so...myself...I never believed in them....I believe, I had a Father, who has been walking somethings out in me....and instilling small, but powerful changes in me...and has put a stronger faith in me, that I never knew I could have....and HE allowed you to have your moment yesterday, in the hopes I would look to HIM....and let HIM be my strength.....Yes, you had your moment....you had your time....and yes, I am still not certain how everything will pan out and where all the pieces will fall....but this I do know......HE has my back....HE has already won the battle....HE has already trumped your greatest attempt on defeating HIM.....And yes, you have succeeded in placing yet another "scar" on me and my faith....BUT...the difference this time,....HA! you didn't win...I haven't quit...and I know that where you may put superficial, on the surface, scars...HE places healing...deep rooted...unchanging healing.... Yes, HE is amazing....HE is faithful....He is overwhelming....and today, I am thankful HE was there waiting for me, and knew my voice when I called, and dispatched "angels" to me, and where you seek to make weak....HE seeks to empower....and for this day, I am thankful to have made it thru to today, and look forward to see where the "tomorrows" of this journey will continue......yeah, you may have your battles...you may have your conquests....but HE teaches how to overcome...how to persevere....how to endure....and thru that....HE has the victory, and with that comes the belief that HE will see me thru to the finish!

Just as I am

It is funny how much songs can sometimes influence our lives....how they, with the simpliest of words and/or phrases, can either transport us instantly to a different time or place, or bring memories long forgotten, in an instantence to the front of our thoughts....or with me at least, can speak to your very soul. I love to write, and while I do not pretend to have the talent that some of our great writers have, I love nothing more than a well written song, especially those that take the most unusual thoughts and phrases and link them together in a way that lasts forever....one of my favorite songwriters is Train...I love the way he took the pain of losing his beloved mother and thru that penned "Drops of Jupiter"....true talent. So of course, it seems logical that God would speak to my spirit through the talents of such people as Chris Tomlin and Mercy Me, etc....here lately though I have had the song, "Beauty of the Cross", by Jonny Diaz, literally running over and over like an old record player that is stuck, in my mind. I find myself humming it and singing the words, or like yesterday while I was posting end of month figures, I suddenly realized I had been singing it "in my head"....it is a wonderful song, and I encourage all of you to at least read the lyrics. It is about how we are all sinnners without hope, until "the sinless King" died in our place, and the chorus is: "the beauty of the cross is there's One who has redeemed my soul, the beauty of the cross is that I am free and finally letting go, The beauty of the cross is that, YOUR grace has found me just as I am". Wow! How powerful are those simple words spoken in that way....why can't I have the talent to pen something like that? It got me to thinking....just as I am....just as I am....which of course you cannot hear those words and not think of the amazing Rev. Billy Graham. I was fortunate enough to hear him speak in Nashville a few years ago, and that is one thing he is known for saying, God meets us, and saves us, "just as we are". Not how we want to be, or ought to be, or even long to be. If we waited until that was the state of our lives, we wouldn't need Him. There is also another wonderful song that is popular right now, "Jesus, Friend of Sinners", and there is a line in that song, that I haven't been able to shake...."The world is drawn to You, yet they are tripping over me"....how easy we forget that we were met, "Just as we were",...we were that outcast, ...that leper...that sinner... without a hope. How easy we forget that in God's eyes we are the same, whether we grew up in church, and therefore had a pretty good life by this world's standards, meaning we really got by without committing the big sins....or we were not so fortunate....to Him, we are exactly the same...HOPELESS. How easy it is as "Christians", -(and I use that term very lightly)-to forget "by the Grace of God, go I", who are we to think that God loved us more, and therefore let us be born into the families were born in, or even the fact He by His grace, allowed us to be born into a country were we are free to believe how we choose. He allowed that for a reason, so we could then share that good news to those who weren't. I see posts on Facebook all the time, by those who are supposed to have the love of Christ within their hearts, and at least two of these people have been put into very unique positions to touch others less fortunate than themselves....to hand deliver the message that there is hope, there is love, there is a promise of something better, but yet cannot see past themselves long enough to deliver it. I wonder how God must feel about that...how that must break His heart....how quickly we forget. I am not meaning to sound as if I am passing judgement...God has put this onto my radar for a reason...He also has reached below the lowest of the low, and pulled me to Him...I don't want to forget that for an instance....I was watching a show on TLC today, and it was about mothers who are in prison and are pregnant...how easy would it be to point our "christian" fingers at them, and pass judgement...but the more I watched it, the more it literally shredded my heart. I could almost hear the spirit whispering to me....be careful...guard your heart....always seek to love and SEE people the way I do....I died for those girls....and yet they think they are worthless.....worthlesss.....what a powerful word....a word that I have even been guilty of throwing around casually.....Just as I am....Just as I am....Just as you were....worthless....you don't die for something you consider worthless......if He loved us enough to give all He had....don't we owe the respect of at least not looking down our noses at each other, but extending a hand, looking someone in the eye...no matter where they are....and telling them they are loved? I have heard it said....love covers a multitude of sins...I know it did mine. I pray that the next time I want to pass judgement, God reminds me of JUST AS I AM...and reminds me that even though I have His grace and His mercy....it isn't really that far from my sins to His forgiveness, and only "by the grace of God, go I."

little lessons

What a whirlwind of a past two weeks it has been! The boys and Dora and I went to the Smokies last week, and then I have been in Herhey, PA this week. It's funny, how God speaks to you in tiny, small, whispers, that turn out to be some of the biggest lessons of your life. I am learning, that people have this perception of God being this overwhelming, overpowering, overcontrolling, inaccesible diety, that is somehow so massive, and all encompassing that we are like little ants on an anthill and He is an elephant, with one foot just over top of us, ready to squash us out at any instance. While, I do understand his majesty and authority, and the respect that that dictates, I am also learning that He loves to speak to us in everday, tiny little moments....sometimes so much a part of our everyday life, that we will miss them, if we are not on careful watch to see....see the lessons in love that He wants to teach us. He has brought two of these wonderful lessons to my mind within these two weeks. The first, was something that I totally missed when it happened. He brought it back to my mind today in the simpliest, silliest form. It actualy happened when I was in Chicago in January on a business trip, but He brought it to my mind today, when I posted a msg on facebook asking my friends to give me ideas for a bracelet that I am making along this journey. In fact, I call it my "journey" bracelet, and it is made up of charms and beads that represent things that are important to me as I go along, something to always remind me of the places He is taking me. There are beads to represent my family, and charms to represent different things, like a feather to remind me that, no matter where I am, I am forever beneath the shelter of His wings-(Psalms 36:7: "how steadfast is Your love, all of humanity rests beneath the shelter of Your wing)-(borrowed from a precious friend, thanks Amy)....and different things from each city...like a little statue of liberty to represent NYC...well...I realized I needed something to represent Chicago, and was thinking of my trip there, and He brought a moment to my mind, of when I was standing looking out the window of my hotel at Lake Michigan, and at this lighthouse that was still standing there...it was worn and ragged, but it still stands, and I thought to myself, "they don't build things like that anymore, I wonder what they put inside of that to make it stand strong against all the forces of nature that must have raged against it over the past 100 years or so"...and He spoke to my spirit and reminded me that I am like that lighthouse....there are forces that rage against me that should rip me to shreds....I have those same scars and am a little ragged from trying to stand all these years, but I also have something inside me that gives me that same strength to STAND.....I may sway sometimes from the force, and I may not be able to see sometimes from the storms that are raging all around and within me....but yet at the end of the day, I still have the ability to STAND...STAND...and face the storm that I see coming, intimitated? sometimes....but knowing....KNOWING...that He is within me....He is standing with me, letting me lean into Him, and be my core, my strength to see me through to the other side.... The other was a lesson in control.....that is someting He is trying to rip out of me, my tendancy to control everything....we were in the mountains, in Cades Cove, and sure enough there was a bear that was off in a field eating blackberries.....right as we got to the point we my boys could see him, he ambled off into the woods...we sat for awhile, and I was literally praying he would come back out for them to see. I try to teach them to be happy for what they have...meaning, if someone else gets to go to Disney, or to the beach, or have things that they don't, to not live their life in envy....to always look for the little things, and find a way to be satisified with what they have...but I was praying for God to give them this little moment, something they could always remember, and tell their future families...well...the bear didn't reappear, and we drove on....and I have to admit, I was a little ticked at God about it...really, how hard would it be to make a stinkin' little bear walk back out into view....but I didn't say anything, and I got over myself....well we were about to leave the little cove, and it was right at dark, and all of a sudden, Tyler spotted movement, right in the tree line beside the road. We stopped, and sure enough, a bear walked right up to the front of the car...he sniffed the hood, and then stopped to eat something right beside of us...no joke, we could have reached through the window and touched him! At first, I was overjoyed....what an awesome memory! But then, as I said a silent prayer of thanks, God, as He often does, spoke to me...."isn't things better when you ask Me to do something, then shut up, and trust Me to do it?" "My way is always better than your way, even if you can't see it, or it isn't on your timeline" "You didn't even give me a chance to answer you, just assumed that I wasn't, without WAITING for me"......WOW!!! talk about a humbling moment! Why can't I learn that? Why do I say prayers to Him, fully in my soul knowing He is beyond capable, but yet, think that He doesn't have the time to fool with a little bear request for my kiddos...that He who gave them life, doesn't love them (and me) with a love that is beyond anything we can imagine, and want to give them little "I love you moments,and memories" as well? I am looking for a little bear charm for my bracelet as well, not only to remind me of the memory with my boys, but each time I look at it, I remember that I have a Father who loves me with more than the ferociousness of a mamma bear, and when I ask Him to remind me of that love, will do so.....He will shout it all the way from Heaven, even if it is a whisper that only I can hear.

Learning to Walk

I haven't posted in awhile, mainly because of all the thoughts swimming around in my mind and soul...and to be honest, have had a hard time focusing in on one particular subject....and you should see my little notebook that I have started carrying around with me wherever I go...(Karen Friendman, I was listening in SLC, and have been "writing it down"...lol)...ANYWAY.....God has really hit me with a couple of very specific things the past two weeks, and thought I would share. Two weeks in a row, my pastor has mentioned Peter and his faith to step out onto the water to walk out to Jesus. The first time, he mentioned it, he asked the question, "how would you have responded?"...my sweet friend, said that she truly thought that she would have stepped right out.... I, on the other hand, am TERRIFIED of water, and honestly don't know how I would have responded....as bad as that sounds....it is brutally honest....but then the more I thought about it, and then after it was mentioned again today, God lovingly reminded me that He is asking me to step out of my boat even as I type this. Those of you, that have been a part of this know that God is calling me to a very specific journey right now. He hasn't asked me to step out onto a literal body of water, but He is calling me out of my "boat"...my comfort zone...into an area of being totally available to Him, and totally dependent on Him. He reminded me of how my entire life has led up to a "time such as this"...and that in so many situations, jobs, circumstances, and even with the people He placed along the way, as been teaching and preparing me for this time, and as Pastor reminds us on several occasions, that He equips me with all I will ever need in His overcoming sacrifice of the cross. That being said, He reminded me today of when my boys were learning to walk. As much as they desired independance, as long as they had one hand holding onto to something, they never really had freedom. He has been using me, yes, but I have not truly let go of my own "coffee table" so to speak. And by doing that, I may as well put a shackle on my ankle...all I was doing was just going in circles....never really giving God the freedom to move as He wills. My fellow WOCer's will understand this....I have also been guilty of being greedy....as pastor stated today, our "friend", Jesus, tried to warn us of greed, and the many ways that it presents itself. My "fixer" mentality, in trying to make things easy for everyone, had shifted to a "I want it all" mentality...yes, it was unintentional, and until today, I had not even realized that is what had happened....I had shifted my security back into my comfort zone....and it doing so had one foot out of the boat, and one hand hanging on for dear life. Jesus also revealed how He knows my heart, and in that anticipates my fear, but despises my rebellion and disobedience that had come from that fear. He loves that I am looking to Him, and is waiting for me, but I have to take that shaky, toddler like, first step...and reach for His hands to lead me to the next, ever stronger, next step, and the next...until I am running with Him. He also thru all of that, revealed something very beautiful to me in regards to what the world says is our stopping or ending points. The points that by all worldly standards should be our defining points. That I do not adhere to a wordly standard, that I adhere to a God who takes what this world disregards, and thru obedience to Him, turns into our starting points. The points that where the world says we are a failure, God says we are a miracle. That thru that, we become walking, breathing, talking, worshiping, and yes, sometimes sinning, but forgiven, REAL testomonies....testomonies to a Father who wants to give each of us a miracle, a starting point onto our own journey.....and thru that give HOPE......real, tangible, obtainable HOPE...to those around us....and afterall, isn't that what a testomony is all about....the places God takes us from.....onward....to the places we are going?

"the one thing"

Wow....what a worldwind of the past few days....had someone told me a year ago, where I would have been this week, I would have never believed them...I still cannot wrap my mind around the fact that I was standing in the middle of the "Capitol of the World"....or New York City. If you have been there, you know why I am at a loss of words really trying to condense an experience like that into a few words....I have had many people ask me today, what was the one thing you loved the most....ONE thing....ONE thing...wow....Do I choose what it was like walking along the streets of Manhattan and looking up at those towering, powerful, overwhelming buildings that explode upward as far as you can see? Do I choose the beautiful historic architecture that is hidden in all the little crevices, that you have to look up and search to see? Do I choose the what it felt like to drive across Manhattan bridge and experience Brooklyn and Queens? Do I choose the moment I was mugged by squirrels in Battery Park? Or do i choose how I cried when my heart swelled at the moment I was awestruck at Lady Liberty, or....do I choose the moment I cried, because my heart was breaking as I walked around St. Paul's cathedrial, or..... the moment my heart completely shattered while standing at ground zero, and noticed the buildings that still have burn marks? How do you choose one moment, one thing, to sum up an experience like that? It came to me, while I was looking at my China Town, knock off purse.....it is a crazy, eccentric pattern, of different colors, and patterns, all sewn together to create, what I think, is a perfect representation of NYC....my moment came to me. I was standiing in Times Square, right beneath where the New Year's Eve ball drops....and just for a moment, I closed my eyes, breathing in the smells from all the deli's and bakeries, and standing like that, I found myself just being quiet, taking in the moment, absorbing it into my being, where I could always remember it. And that is when I found myself listening to all that was going on around me...when you close your eyes to all that wonderful chaos, your other senses kick in.....I could hear people speaking Italian to my right.....Korean to my left.....German somewhere behind me......off to the side, languages I couldn't even identify....and of course all around, the sound of English....but yet somehow,....all of those blended together to make this beautiful chorus.....and it hit me....THAT is why I love America.....we are the only nation in the world that can have that much diversity, that many people, and yet come together to make one......one amazing, world changing nation. We all have the same blood, the same heart, the same core...and it reminded me of the what the bible teaches about the body of Christ....what an amazing representation of that....thru Him, we all have the same heart, the heart of a Holy, Loving, Father, who sees and knows each of His children, ....and thru Him, we have the same blood, the blood of the One who gave all for us, and replaced our unforgivable blood with His own, ....so, the next time, someone asks me, "what was the ONE thing, you loved most about NYC?"...that is exactly what I will tell them....no where else in the world, can you stand in the middle of all that chaos, and still feel, somehow, this world isn't really so big afterall. OH, as a side note, if you ever have the chance to visit....please do....I promise it will change you!