Faith

Well, my journey has taken me almost across this beautiful country of ours....I have spent the last two days in Salt Lake City, in training sessions as part of my new "adventure".....I don't know how many of you have ever made that flight, but watching from above, I couldn't help but notice just how different our nation really is....it made me smile to think of how much fun God must have had hand crafting all the hills and trees in Tennessee, then the flat lands of the midwest...then the striking mountains of the west....how imaginative He must have been, and thinking of us, as He created it....It also made me think of how I tend to get gridlocked into my own little "back yard, so to speak, and forget that there is truly a whole vast world out there. It made me start to reflect on how my faith tends to be like that as well....I tend to only "see" what is here today, in front of me at this moment, and loose focus on the fact that God does not operate like that. This day, this reality to Him, is just a tiny moment on His timeline....He sees me, and sees yesterday, today, and tomorrow....and wants me to grow in my faith to see the glimmers of what He knows is on my horizon for the "tomorrows". As we landed in Salt Lake, of course the breathtaking Rockies are what you see...they rise up around you with a power and a majesty, that is almost overwhelming. I couldn't help but think of one of my favorite bible verses, "Come, let us go up to the mountain of the Lord and the House of the God of Jacob, He will teach us His ways, and we will learn to walk in His paths."..Micah 4:2. As some of you know, I have been dreading this trip for weeks, I just didn't want to be away from my family, and didn't look forward to it...well, after I saw these mountains, and opened my heart to God, and asked Him to meet me here...meet me on these mountains, and show me His ways....after all, as I have said before, this is His journey for me...He knows my tomorrows, and knows the reason for me be being here..He did just that....I have had so much time by myself, in my room, able to study, and pray, and reflect, and well, just spend time with Him. Something I don't have alot of time to do....don't get me wrong, I have learned alot in my training sessions as well, but He really did meet me on these mountains, and it has been a special time, that I won't forget....He reminded me, as David, so wonderfully said, "Your love, O God, reaches to the Heavens, Your faithfulness reaches to the sky, Your righteousness is like a mighty mountain, your mercy flows like the ocean's tide", Psalm 36:6......And He gave me something to take down from these mountains, ....my faith is what gives me hope to see something better tomorrow, than we have today....without that faith, that ever growing, ever deepening faith, we will never see......I hope that the next time, He calls me to a "mountain", I remember that....and I am thankful, He is calling....and more importantly, I hope I remember, if He is calling me to that mountain, He has something to teach me, and He is, and always will be...waiting for me.....waiting for me to "look up" and see Him there.

Margins

A few days ago, I was listening to the radio, and the topic of margins came up. Granted, mostly when someone is discussing margins these days, it is usually in reference to finances, but the announcer briefly mentioned how we need to set margins in another areas of our ilves. As I have mentioned to some of you, God has been revealing words to me since the beginning of the year, and the New Year's sermon series at church...meaning that God puts a word in my mind, and it seems over the course of the following few days, I will see that word mentioned everywhere, and usually there is some type of point that He is trying to drive home. It has taken several months to see this pattern, after all I can be a little bullheaded, but now I try to pray about what He is trying to reveal to me...and ths particular word, margin, stuck in my mind for several days, and I am still trying to sort out what He means for me to learn...so far, what I am learning is that margins can be set in many ways in our lives. One obvious example of this is sin. If we are not careful and set boundaries and therefore margins for sin in our lives, what might seem like a small and harmless sin, can soon infect every part of our life that it touches...it will consume and overpower if left unchecked. The example that God brought to my mind to illustrate this took me back to the summer before last, when my best friend and I were busy canning. We share sweet times together canning and pickling everything from pickles and tomatoes, to my grandmomma's sweet pepper relish. We needed to add a little spice to the pepper relish, and despite my momma's warning, that like most things in life, "a little goes a long way", when it comes to hot peppers, decide to try things our way. We have this huge tote that we soak the veggies in the pickling spices overnite, and we, Dora, and I both looked with disbelief at this tiny little hot pepper...there was no way that teeny little thing was going to be enough to spice up that much relish. You know where this story is headed,....after we altered the recipe to what we thought was more appropiate "margins", or measurements, Dora decided to taste the recipe. The look on her face alarmed me, and I asked, "what's wrong", to which she quickly....much too quickly....replied "nothing", but then began adding vinegar and sugar to the tote.....after the disaster was averted, we laughed, but both agreed to follow the recipe more closely and stick to the margins, or measurements that was given. But then, God also revealed to me-(thru the sweet time spent with a friend)-that I also set margins on Him, on His ability, that I judge his merit based on my own, and in an effort to keep Him from failing, set the same margins I set on myself, therefore limiting Him. Crazy, right? God really convicted me that even though, I may pray everyday on the way to school with my boys, to help us remember that we might be the only glimpse of Him, someone might see, and to each day put someone in front of us, that needs to see and know Him, or soemone that He has a message for, but then when God answers that prayer and sends those people my way...the scenerio may or may not be what I had in mind, or the way I had it planned, and either because of fear or insecurity on my part, or far to often, I am ashamed to admit, because it isn't the person I would have chosen, I set margins....I set boundaries....I set limitations. I ask each of you, my Christian family to hold me accountable in that. Those of you who know me well, know that God has put me into a clear cut, no denying, God led destiny right now. He has definate people that He is leading me to cross paths with...people that are hurting...people that need Him, and far to often don't even realize they need Him. I am not perfect, I make mistakes with each breath I take, and it overwhelms to me to the core of my being of why....why He chose me to walk this path....and I have to make myself not get caught up into the how, and the why, and the when..I know that I cannot have the ability to walk this out. But as a speaker at the conference I attended tonight, said...something very powerful to me...that I hope to take to heart and remember.....my job is obediance...His job is results....it struck me that since day one that He has called me to this, that that is what He has spoken to me....be obedient,...leave the rest up to Me.....so that is the lesson I am trying to walk out this day...no margins....just obedience......and at the end of this journey...whether it is 6 days, 6 weeks, 6 months, or 60 years....He will be there, and for this day, that is all I need to know.

Thomas Shoes

The other day I was waiting in a restroom while Trent took care of business so to speak, and in the stall next to him, was a little boy, standing, and waiting on his mom....the only thing I could see was just his little Thomas, the Train, sneakers.....it instantly took me back to another time, with another little boy, with those same shoes....a time that isn't that long ago, but yet seems like an enternity. It literally made my arms -(and my heart) ache, missing the times that Trent and Tyler were that small and still little enough for me to gather up in my arms and shelter them from the world, and let them me just be mine, if only for a moment. It made me think of all the times, we would just snuggle in the big recliner and they would tell me stories or ask me a million questions, or simply just be silent and take in each other. Trent finished up and when he came out of his stall, saw the look on my face, and the unfallen tears in my eyes, and asked, "what's wrong, momma?"....not wanting to alarm him, I just said, mommy is being silly and missing your little hugs...he paused for a moment, and while he might have thought of something "Trent-like" to say, he didn't, he simply walked over, put his arms around me and gave me a hug...then he said, "you'll still be my momma, even when my arms are bigger.".....well....wow.....those of you who know me well, know that it took literally every ion of my being not to dissolve right there.....but I held it together...and later when I was rethinking of the moment, God whispered to me, "I miss those times also, you know.".....well that started the water works all over again, and it stayed with me and on my mind over the next few days....and as I often do, when I started to journal about it, God really showed me what He had meant. I thought He had meant, He missed us coming to Him, or relying on Him, like our kids do when they are small and think the "big, bad wolf" is at their heels, and while I still think that is part of it...He really showed me another side of Him, that I had forgotten about...the side of Him, that needs and wants to be our Daddy.....granted, He is still the Almighty, Creator of the Universe, and deserves the respect that dictates, but underneath all of that, he is still our daddy...our protector...our shelter...the one who laughes with us, and honestly sometimes at us, like I do when I watch my boys being silly and enjoying life, ...who is there with us, when we feel sorrow, or pain, or fear....He misses us the way we were when we first gave our lives to Him, awestruck by Him, wanting to spend every moment with Him, telling Him all our stories, our hopes and fears, and our dreams.....I think sometimes we are just like my boys, we outgrow some of the aspects of God...and while I don't think all of that is bad...He wants us to walk out our faith, to "grow" in Him, and venture out with the things He has equipped us with and taught us...but I think we need to find a balance of "growing up" in God and still letting Him have his Daddy place with us. I think about how it still makes my heart swell, to have the boys simply slip their hand into mine when they are unsure of something...not say a word...just take my hand for reassurance....it reminds me that no matter how old they are or how big they have grown, they still need their mommy sometimes....so I guess the point of this is....take a moment to put your little Thomas shoes -(or ballarina slippers) back on for a little while, and climb up into your Father's lap and tell your story...ask Him to tell you a story....or maybe even better, just simply lie there and take Him in..let Him consume you....let Him feel needed by You....somehow I think we will walk away a little differently than we arrived.

Back to Day One

I am sitting in a Subway, having some alone time before I go and get the boys from school...and watching the raindrops thru the window, puts me in a writing mood...so I thought I would take advantage of the moment and try and give you all some background into the why and whos of this blog....afterall we can't travel together into tomorrow until we tell al little about yesterday... As, I mentioned in the previous blog, I live with a life threatening disease, and I am sure that some of this blog will include mention of that, afterall, it is part of who I am, who I was, and who I will be....but I want to try and keep the focus of this postive, that no matter who might be reading this, might connect and relate....we all live with life threatening things, whether it is illness, we are facing, situations we have found ourselves in, circumstances, both beyond, and within our control, physical, emotional, or spiritual.....we are all not promised tomorrow, and each day that we awake to a new morning, are given a gift....because that is one more day...one more hour...one more minute to take a look around us, and either be thankful for what we have, or thankful for the chance to improve it. To give you a little of my story, we have to travel back to the time I was born...as stated before I was born with the same disease as my father...and when I was 18 months old, and he was 23, he passed away suddenly from complications from our illness. But God, is good, and he blessed my mom and I with a wonderful stepfather, who loved me as much as if he gave life to me....he brought me up in a Christian home, and early on, taught me the benefits of knowing both who Christ is, and the value of giving Him, His rightful place in my life. I have always missed my daddy, and wondered about him, and how it would have been to have known and remembered him, but not once have I felt sorry for myself...I know how blessed I am to have my step father in my life, and the brother and sister that was given thru him...I learned early on to trust God in that...that He knows our tomorrows,....we don't...he knows the overall view of our life, when we only know the moment....and I have learned to not question Him in that. But back to my story....I was not diagnosed until I was almost 20 and over the course of those years, went thru painful swelling attacks, and being told I was allergic to everything, or being asked constantly, what did you do, to cause this...as if living with this terrible thing that I knew took my father wasn't bad enough, to be accused of doing something on purpose to cause it?...really???? But looking back, I am grateful beyond any words to God...there have been countless times, my disease could and probably should have taken me...but He has always had His hand sheltering me....He has even blessed me to the point I work for the doctor who finally diagnosed me.....tell me that isn't God driven...to work everyday with, and for the Dr. in Middle Tennessee that knows more about my disease than anyone? For those of you not familiar with HAE, up until about 3 years ago, there was nothing to be done...NOTHING...to be done except wait out the attacks, and if need be, be intubated until they pass...basically kept alive, until the attack was over....I can remember lying in ICU when I was pregnant with my youngest son, with my head and neck twisted in this weird angle, watching my own breathing on a monitor, wondering if I was going to die, and take my unborn son with me, and leave his brother alone? But then in 2010, a rep walked into Dr. Wolf's office and brought me a miracle...my miracle...a product that is taken from donated blood, infused via a 15 min iv, and totally stops and reverses my attack and it's side effects...WHAT??? You mean I don't have to lay in ICU for days or on the bathroom floor in overwhelming pain??? Too good to be true...right?? But it was true...I still can't believe that sometimes...but it is and was still my miracle. I, of course, wanted and prayed for a way to share that with others...others who like me have spent to much time in pain...and defending themselves...and having to fight for every treatment that they needed and deserved....because they happen to have a disease that so few people know about, much less understand....... So that leads me to my journey....something that I truly believe God designed right at the moment He designed me...hear my heart....do I believe in an unjust, unfair God, who gave me this horrible disease, no....but I do believe that there are certain consequences to having sin in this world....this world isn't what God intended it to be...He did not intend for His people to have things like HAE anymore than He intended to have to send His Son to ransom us...but that is the way of sin...it hurts not only the sinner but everyone around them.....and as much as I believe that...I also believe in a wonderful Father, who will take the horrible things of this world, and if we entrust them to HIM, will turn them back to good....who will take the difficult pathways that are ours to walkout and will lead us to others who need to see HIM, and HIS goodness, and then in turn take that to someone else. And I believe that as much as we are each given our own cross to bear, HE will give us the strength to bear it, and along the way, lean in to carry our burdens for us.... so I will stop there for now....and will save the story of exactly how He put me in the exact right place, at the exact right time, to meet the exact right people to begin my journey for another day....but remember...if He can put me into the right chain of events...He will (and wants) to do the same for you...so keep that in the back of your thoughts....you never know the moment your journey will begin.....