life lessons from an 8 year old......

It never ceases to amaze me how God will choose to speak to you, in everyday, little moments.  How He can take the simpliest of moments and give you lessons in life that you will never forget.  I had one of those moments today at church.  My youngest son, Trent, performed with the kids choir at church at all four services.  I stood watching him, and of course I had a sense of pride, thinking...that's my baby....he is up on that stage and has performed in front of probably 5000 people this weekend.  Who would have thought?  Those of you who know Trent's story, understand when I say that.  God showed me how that, at such a young age of 8, Trent has a bigger testomony than most adults, and how I, as his mom, needs to instill that into him, teach him the importance of grasping that now...so when he is older and Satan's lies and doubts come, he will have this portion of his story written on his soul to always remind him of where God has delivered him.

  Trent was born almost 2 months premature.  We were truly blessed in the fact that, even though he was tiny...3 pounds at his smallest....his lungs were mature and did not need assistance in breathing.  He was so little, but he had the spirit of a prize fighter...and still does by the way.  He did have developmental delays, and was in some sort of therapy from the time he was 6 months old....he did not speak but just a small amount of basic words until he was almost 3 1/2......when you wish that your child was quite for just a little while...please, please take it from me....that is a place you do not want to be....I will never forget what I felt like trying to just get him to call me momma, or to communicate with me at all.  I was told that we needed to have him diagnosed with autism, but something in me did not want to accept that....did not want to give him that label that would follow him for the rest of his life.   I prayed and prayed to God to heal him, to unlock him from the terror and unattachment that he felt from the rest of this world.  I remember his first birthday party....we had learned with Trent, to keep things simple...keep things quite....and had only invited close family members.   I still have the picture of him from that party....he is sitting in his playpen, looking out from the mesh sides, because that was his "safe" place....that is where he spent the majority of his party....inside that playpen, away from everyone, while his party went on around him.  But God is good, and He provided, and thanks to many, many prayers, and lots of therapy and hard work on all our parts, Trent thrived.....God healed Him in alot of ways, but most of all through his insecurities....to where my little boy....who was told he would probably never speak, never be "normal", never be secure and confident....that little boy was up on that stage today.....raising his hands to God, praising God, worshiping God....and he loves it...can't wait until the next time he gets the opportunity to do it again.   And thru talking with a friend who has been there every step of this journey with Trent, we realized that God shared how Trent does it......my friend said that as she was watching Trent, she realized that he never took his eyes off of  his leader....the one who showed him what he needed to say....or step....or do......he focused in on her like a laser, eyes riveted on her, and nothing or no one......in a crowd of thousands could take his attention off her...not even for a second.  He held his hands over his ears, as he still does when he is overstimulated, but still he stood....he found security in her....he knew she would not let him down, or mislead him.....and through that he was able to worship the God who healed him.   Do you see the God lesson that was given through my son today?   If he can find security in his leader, how much more can and should I find in my
Saviour?  I couldn't help but think of the verse in 2 Corinthians 4:16-18 :   ^16-18"So we're not giving up. How could we! Even though on the outside it often looks like things are falling apart on us, on the inside, where God is making new life, not a day goes by without his unfolding grace. These hard times are small potatoes compared to the coming good times, the lavish celebration prepared for us. There's far more here than meets the eye. The things we see now are here today, gone tomorrow. But the things we can't see now will last forever."  
I am honored that God chose to teach me this lesson through my son.  How much more precious is that?  I hope to learn to set my eyes like flint on my Leader, like he does....and through that learn that no matter what is around me, and how big and scary the situation before me is, that as long as I keep my eyes on Him, he will not let me down, he will not mislead me, and as long as I am pressing onward toward him, he will tell me the next step to take or words to say....he will stay right before me, leading me home......onward to the next step of this journey....but for the grace of God go I......

Do you believe me now?

Wow....what a day this has been.  It is amazing to me, how despite the fact that God presents Himself all around us, we still have to struggle sometimes to not only see Him, but hear Him as well.  I first want to thank my sweet friend-(and sister)-Rose for inviting me to the Ladies Retreat that we attended today.  She has such a heart for God, and not only listens to Him continuously, she also shouts it to everyone she meets.  I don't want to think about where I might be spirtually if she had not been placed into my life.  She invited me to this event several days ago, and basically told me that I did not have a choice...I was going.  And boy am I glad I did.

  If you think that God is not moving among His people, and calling us to a place to stand up for what we believe in, and really take hold of what He has taught us, I urge you to really ask Him to open your eyes to see that.  I know that each generation thinks that theirs will be the one to see His return, but I feel in my spirit that it is closer than ever.  Each day, it seems that He is putting people onto my radar that are desperate for Him,....truly desperate, but I will leave that for another time, today, I only want to take a moment to thank Him.....thank Him for showing up at this little home, that has been converted to be a place of ministry.  It was one of those God moments, that leaves you overwhelmed and awed anew at Him and his mercies and grace.  One of those moments that leaves you , literally, craving more of Him, desiring Him to consume you.  One of those moments where you have to be spiritually dead to walk away the same way you arrived.

He has been giving me visions, so to speak, with each of the people he has crossed my path with, and I will share more of those later, but the one I want to share today is how we have become an army of babies to Him.  Something has shifted in our nation , to where we have so few true warriors to fight for and with Him.  I borrow that term, warriors, from one of the ladies today, but that is one of the things that I walked away with today...He is calling me to be a warrior, He is tired of playing spiritual "games" with me....He is tired of reminding me that He has delivered me from certain things for a reason....and as I was taught today, He is a God who runs, a God who moves, a God who is constant...and if I don't get my act together, He is going to run right by me.  Wow....who wants that?  Who wants our destiny to be given to someone else?  Because that is what will happen, He has called me for a specific purpose, and He has-(and is) equipping me with all I need to complete that, but He doesn't have time for my hesitation anymore....the time is drawing near....He has a sense of urgency....the people of the earth are dying spirtually, the people He loves so much that He sacrificed all of Himself for, and they are important to Him.  Important enough that if I don't get with Him, He will have no choice to pass by me.   That is something that breaks my heart.  I have blogged before that God has been laying on my heart,  what it means to truly take hold of what being created in His image is all about.  I was reminded today that in the garden, God knew exactly where Adam was when He searched for him after he has fallen, but what He was looking for was His reflection, ...His image.....what He found for the first time, was the stench of sin.....wow....I don't want God to not be able to see me because He can't move past my stench to truly see His reflection...I don't want Him to search for me....I want Him to be able to look on this earth and see me lit up like a beacon,...I want Him to be drawn to me....to know me.  I know when my kiddos sing in the choir at church, they are among probably 60 or more kids, but you better believe it only takes me minutes to pick them out of the crowd, and in my heart, say..."that's my kid."  That's how I want to be to Him,....where among all of the brokeness and the unlawfullness, He is drawn to me, and says:  "That's my kid".

I was taught to never ask for signs, that we should just have blind faith, but I do find myself asking God for signs...most of you know the feather story......well today I did just that.   I asked God for a very specific sign....He has, and is, speaking to me about areas in my life, and things He is calling me to-(and out of)-and I specifically asked Him, "God if this is you, if this is your will, and I am hearing you correctly, then have the lady in charge of this retreat pray over me."  I ended up staying later than I had planned at the retreat, all the way to the very end....I guess I was waiting to see if  He would answer that prayer.....refer back to the "waiting" blog to know what a walk in obediance that was.....anyway.....right at the end....and wow...God is moving me even as I try to type this......right at the end...she was leading the final worship, and all of a sudden she handed the microphone to someone else, and made a straight path right to me, and asked if she could pray over me.....I honestly can't tell you a word she said....as soon as I saw her make eye contact with me, and start my way, my entire soul was moved.   As soon as she touched me, I felt God overwhelm me and say..."Do you believe me now?".....she and I shared a sweet moment afterward, and she said she had specifically intended NOT to single anyone out and pray with them...but God spoke to her, and she could see His compassion over me, and she had no choice but to come to me.....wow.....I really have no words to say how I feel....my spirit is still crying out to Him, thanking Him, absorbing Him......will share more when I can....overwhelmed at Him again....but for the grace of God go I.....

It ain't all about me......

As some of you know, I have been struggling with a decision in my life right now...I feel as though I am being pulled in two very different directions.  I have prayed, and prayed, not to mention had many of my friends also praying for wisdom in the is particular area.  God is faithful as always, and He has been speaking to me regarding all of this, but the answer I keep getting is wait, or not yet.  I know that well meaning friends and loved ones don't understand why I keep staying where I am....I myself find myself wondering that as well.  Based on previous blogs, you know that "the waiting" is one of the things I struggle with the most...I overthink and overplan everything...my daddy will often warn people..."she is a woman of  a million questions"....but I am finding that this is not the way when walking in faith.  I read just this week, how we are like a puzzle to God....we see the little "corner" pieces, or we sort according to color, trying to find an order to this life....what we don't see is that God sees the finished puzzle....he sees how each piece that we have from yesterday and today, fit together, as well as the pieces of tomorrow,  that we haven't been given yet.  I guess that is how I have been looking at this situation.....I have been taking the pieces that I have....the pieces that are unhappy, or pieces that bring turmol or conflict, and I want to cram all those together quickly, and move on to the pretty pieces.....I forgot that not all the pieces of my life are just for me....there are also pieces along the way that are shaped in God's timing, and while we are working on our pieces of our puzzle with Him, He is also working on someone elses puzzle, and sometimes....those intertwine in a beautiful, spiritual way that leaves both of  our puzzles a little more heavenly. 

      Just last week, I was sharing with a sweet couple from my small group, and through talking to them, God used her to reveal the reason that I have not been released in an area that I really, really wanted to be released in....I knew in my spirit that He was saying no....I have been rebellious to that, and have, at times, thrown a "hissy" fit spiritually, but God is patient, and after I get over that fit, is still standing there, saying no....not yet.....well, after this conversation, and revelation, I have been more open to praying about that.....He spoke to me through them, that until  His will and goals had been accomplished, I was staying put....sigh.......I, of course, just assumed the lesson was about me, and for me....I haven't even been praying for Him to reveal if it wasn't, but...I have been praying that He was give me strength and wisdom to understand the lesson when it presented itself.....well today, I think it might have appeared, at least in part.....Without revealing to much on here, I had a wonderful conversation with a sweet, beautiful new friend today.....I have felt drawn to her from the moment we met, and like she said today, I feel like I have known her for awhile.  We had a wonderful time chatting with each other, and even shared a few laughs and tears.....but she shared with me, how she feels like God is speaking to her in certain areas....how she has this desire to know Him more, and know, that He knows her....but Satan has his grip as well...he has fed her lie after lie.....if she said once.."I know this makes me  bad, or I know this sounds bad"  once, she said it fifty times.....I finally told her to stop, that is a lie...my Father is not a Father of condemnation, but a God who gently convicts and stirs....and I told her that God loves her so much, that He is wooing her....He has a something special that He is just waiting to show and tell her....He loves her that much.   It was touching moment.  I thank God that He brought her into my life, and I think we will form a friendship through this.....and I know.... I know that it was not by accident that our paths have crossed...we are part of each other's puzzle, and I know mine will be all the more sweeter and beautiful with her story in it.  And I know that part of my lesson is in obediance in staying put, even when I am not happy, or I am being tested, it is for a bigger purpose, and I am glad He gave the strength to be obedient and stay where I am, at least for today.  Please say a prayer for her....it is exciting to see God wooing someone He loves, but we all know that satan is also right there...ready to decieve and devour.

Thanking God for today's part of the journey, and thanking Him for reminding me that not of these lessons are about me., and most of all, thanking Him for allowing me to witness Him handcrafting these pieces of the puzzle......but for the grace of God, go I......

my road to recovery from rebellion....

  I am sitting in a Starbucks, enjoying a white chocolate mocha, thinking of how much my life has changed in such a short time.  I never would have believed I would be able to sit and drink a coffee, typing a blog, being able to enjoy quite moments for prayer and reflection, all before my "work" day began.   As I sit here, asking God to reveal today's lesson to me, I can't help but having my thoughts return to a brief moment after small group at church Wednesday nite.  I had quite the day on Tuesday, Satan, once again, had been on the prowl, and I was sharing the latest update on this situation with a few of the small group members.  When we were leaving, Mr. Bob-(who, along with his wonderful, sweet wife, Vicki, I am starting to adore, and thank God for bringing into my life)-hugged me, told me that he would be praying about the situation, and whispered, "remember to be humble" into my ear.  Hmmm....I thought, that was weird, what in the world does being humble have to do with this situation.  I can see,... be confident, ...be secure, ....be couragous...but humble??  Well, throughout the day the following day, as I would find my self being proud, or boastful, or entitled....that moment would instantly come to mind. And as I sit here, waiting on today's lesson, here it is again......and here is the verse that I have been given:  "For the natural man is an enemy to God, and has been from the fall of Adam, and will be, forever and ever, unless he yields to the enticings of the Holy Spirit, and puts off the natural man and becomes a saint throught the atonement of Christ the Lord, and becomes as a child, submissive, meek, humble, patient, full of love, willing to submit to all things which the Lord sees fit to inflict upon him, even as a child submits to this father",  Luke 18: 16-17.    Building on this, the definition of humility is:  "  a quality by which a person sees his/her own defects, and therefore; willingly submits himself/herself before God.  Thru this, God is revealing to me that without true humility, submissiveness to God cannot be obtained, and because of that,  rebellion can never be conquered.  I like to think that people, on a general basis, would describe me as humble.  I like to consider myself nice, polite, and courteous.  But when I truly read that definition, how truly humble, in the biblical sense, am I?  Sad to say, not very.  

     As I searched thru my bible app for verses that reflect humility, one of the first ones that it linked to was in Matthew:  "Blessed are the poor in spirit-(humble)-for their's is the kingdom of Heaven".  As I sit and think about that, I am thinking maybe as much as humility is an important trait for this life, how much more valuable  is it for success in my spiritual life?  We are taught as a society to be entitled, we are taught to value self importance, and self worth...self...self...self, why can't we learn to value the importance of needing Christ in us?  That all of the valuable things that make up ourselves is only thru Him?  And a reflection of Him?  The more that God is working out all of this rebellion in me and my nature, the more I see the importance of a constant willingness to deny myself, to be critical of myself, in order to be open to the Spirit's prompting in the areas where "I"-(the old nature)- needs to change, the areas where the "I" part of me needs to die, in order that the new being, in Him, can truly begin to live, and that any resistance, or rebellion, to that is putting obstacles on the path that He is wanting me to walk.  And as simple as that sounds, it is one of the most difficult things for me to accomplish....and even as I type that, I see part of the issue...."I" will never be able to accomplish that....that is what true humility is all about...to see the true necessity of letting go of all this deceitwith how valuable we are.....on my own, I am as filthy rags to Him. And the admission of that, is not weakness....in fact, it requires incredible God given strength, nor is it not recognizing how valuable our lives are to Him....we are so valuable to Him, that He exchanged His life for ours, He wants to become so part of who we are, that when God looks at us, He sees Him.  Why do I fight that???  Why can't I see that the more I desire and strive towards truly being humble in the biblical sense, of dying to myself, putting myself last, and Him first is the pathway to true freedom?  I have said before that I want Him to change me at the molecular level, to rewire my DNA from my human, damaged DNA into His perfection.  I know that is something that will require daily work, daily laying down myself to Him,  daily choosing Him, over what I want and desire, and thru that to create in me a new heart, a heart that naturally chooses as He would choose, and sees as He sees.  And I know that is something I will not fully obtain in this life, however, I want to get to the point that I really grasp the verse in Matthew:  "Blessed are the poor-(humble)-in spirit, for their's is the kingdom of Heaven." That I will truly start to appreciate that the more I desire, at least, to take on His traits, the more I will experience, and more importantly, appreciate,  all the things that He desires for me.  Jesus is the perfect example of humility...He left the throne room of Heaven, in every literal sense made Himself last, for me.....for me.....the one who thinks I am entitled....to have all I desire...wow... how arrogant...how unappreciative....how rebellious.....overwhelmed again at his unending love and mercy.....but for the grace of God go I.... 

faith like the flu....

     I decided something today at WOC.....I want faith like the flu.....and with that being said ....I will admit, I have always been like most people and said with various virus' and "bugs"..."oh, I have the flu...I feel just awful"....well....let me tell ya...I had never really had the flu until last year, and I went from feeling fine, to feeling as if I had been ran over by a bus within about 1/2 an hour!  Man!  It knocked me off my feet...literally!  I guess you are wondering how in the world I came to that comparision....faith like the flu.....it all goes back to what God has been doing all this year, giving me various words or phrases and then putting those in front of me everywhere I go.  The phrase that He is giving me right now is:  contagious/infectious faith.  I know some people might think that these are negative words, words that conjure up bad impressions of things that must be stopped, rather than encouraged.  According to Webster's:  contagious means:   likely to spread and affect others.....and infectious means:    likely to influence others....and when you think about it, isn't that exactly how our faith, whether strong or weak, and the attitude that we have along with it is?

One example of that is King Hezekiah....he led by example...he didn't say do this, or do that...he did....and at a very young age, he tore down all the brazen idols, he prepared and cleansed the temple, he walked out his faith, and everywhere he went, God was with him.....and most importantly when the time came for his subjects to do the same, they did it...without question...they went in and did whatever he asked of them...they had seen the fruits of his faith, and they followed his example...he was contagious.

     Job is another example of that...he had lived his life not only where satan himself took notice and wanted to destroy him, but his friends had also seen the fruits of his contagious faith...In fact one of them, couldn't keep quiet and said, "I have to speak up and say something,  you have instructed  many, and you have strengthened  the weak, your words have held firm him who was falling, and you have strengthened the faint....is not your fear of God your confidence and the integrity and the strength of your hope?"..Job 4:3.  They had been affected by his contagious/infectious faith.

These words came to me in a defining way during worship this morning...specfically during two songs, "O, the wonderous cross" and it's words, ....."love so amazing, so divine, demands my love, my life, my all", and "Hosanna", and it's verse, "You are the God who saves me, worthy of all my praises".  How could I not desire that?  How could I not what everyone I meet to be exposed to His all changing, never ending love?  He really spoke to me how much my faith, and in turn,  my attitude is contagous and therefore, infectious, but also is my doubt, my disobedance, and even my fears as well...if you doubt this...think about public meetings that you have attended....all it took was for one person to stand up, and with his or her words, either infect the meeting with strength or fear or hate....how one simple person, who has the courage to stand up for what he believes in, with a few words can change the entire flow, success, or failure of the meeting.  What I say matters.  What I think matters.  What I believe matters.  What I fear matters.  What I feel matters.  It affects not only my attitude, but more often than not, all those I come into contact with.  With that being said, it brings me back to my point...I want my faith to be like the flu, not only do I want to be contagious, i want to be infectious....I want what He is doing in me to be consuming...if a small, tiny virus like the flu can, within a few hours, change everything about me...my attitude, my outlook, my words, my energy...everything...how much more should He? I want Him to consume me....to change me at the molecular level....to change my DNA....take my human, damaged DNA into His own perfect self....to where everything about me is different, from the inside out.  I am not sure, but I can be fairly certain when that happens, it could be like a plague....who knows...you might "catch" it, and pass it along, and so on and so forth....until the entire room is infected, then the entire church...or school...or workplace....and then the entire town....and well you get the picture.....if tiny fleas can wipe out most of Europe, who knows how much further this could spread,  if those who are made in His image truly take hold of what that statement means...made in His image...to where we are so infectiously consumed by Him, we truly reflect Him?

One thing I do know, he is changing me...from the inside out....yeah, maybe a little slower than both He and I would like......but if He can break thru to my hardened rebellious heart, I know He can change yours....and if just a few of us allow ourselves to be "weak" enough to be infected by Him.....who knows...maybe that will change the world?
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angels among us.....

Well, it is almost 1a.m. ...and I should be sleeping, but I am wide awake. I have been in the Big Apple again for the past two days, should be back home in TN, but....either 1.  bad weather caused ALL flights out LGA to be grounded until morning or 2.  God answered prayers for my safety, and decided I needed to not be in the air tonight....personally, I will choose to believe the latter.  I have had a wonderful field ride these past two days...met some wonderful docs, nurses, and fellow reps for CSL.  God, answered prayers regarding those meetings, and I believe patients lives will be changed thru His grace and divine intervention.....HOWEVER, the one person that I met today in Dunkin Donuts having coffee,  is the one that  I can't shake from my thoughts tonight.

Do angels still appear among us?  I know the bible teaches that you never know when you meet them, "unaware".  Since I choose to take the bible literally, then I have to choose that, yes, in fact, they do.  Well, I believe, God put one of these "angels" in my path today....and.......well, I hate to admit this...but I think I blew it.  I was sitting, saving a table for the ladies that were with me, while they had went back outside to get various things from their cars.....I felt led to make eye contact with this lady that was sitting at the table next to ours...she was waiting on a gentlemen to make their purchases.  Every one has warned me that I have to totally change who I am while I am in NYC...they say I am too friendly, and look people in the eye, and smile, and say hello.  So.....I was fighting the urge to do just that with this lady.  She was probably in her  60's, and she just had this "air" about her.  Those of you who know me well, know that I can fight those urges for only so long, and sure enough, when I met her eye, she was staring right at me.....I smiled and nodded, and she lit up like a beacon.  I said, "hello, how are you doing today?"   She said hello back, but then dropped her eyes, and her smile, and said not so good today.   My heartstrings immediately started to be drawn....and I said, "I'm so sorry"....she then proceeded to tell me she was fighting cancer and had lost her 98 year old mother, also to cancer....I relayed my concern, and she replied that she knows she has to keep things in perspective, but missed her mom  giving her strength during hard times.  I told her that I understood, that one of my grandmother's favorite sayings had been, "I woke up today, that is reason enough to be happy".....this led her to tell me more about her mom, and how she, despite going through very difficult times, always had a fighting spirit to look for the positive, and how she wished she had learned more of that.....but through the things she was saying, I told her, you are a strong person, and I bet you are reflecting more of your mom, than you realize.  She got a bit emotional and told me how much she needed to hear that today...and  as my friends entered the store, I told her my name, and she did likewise, and said it was a pleasure to meet you, and told her I would pray for her, and pray that her day would improve....once again, she lit up like a beacon, and said she truly appreciated that and would I please do just that....immediately I felt the spririt speak to me, don't say you are going to pray for her, get up, go take her hand, and do it now.......sigh.......my friends at this point, sat down, and started talking business, and of course, I didn't do it.  I almost couldn't focus on what they were saying to me, for watching her.....I knew the moment had passed....and I knew I had grieved the spirit.....when she finished, she came over to me, ....apologized to my friends for the interruption, but said, she wanted to tell me how much she appreciated what I had said, and said her day was getting better, just knowing that someone cared......wow......someone cared......I cared enough to talk to her....I cared enough to try and encourage her.....but I didn't care about her where it really mattered.....taking her hand and walking into the throne room of our Father, and letting her hear me ask Him to love on her, to put His arms around her and carry her for the rest of today....and to comfort Her and minister to Her......God forgive me.....I have prayed about her since.....I haven't been able to get her off my mind....and yes, I know, He is bigger than my disobediance, and He can and has loved on her, even without my asking Him to do so.....I get that.....what I also get is that I missed my blessing....I missed Him also loving on me while we were in that throne room....I missed another opportunity to grow....and for that I am truly sorry.  I pray that He will not let that be the only "angel" He puts in my path......and as I finish this and try to get some rest....I pray for you Cheryl....I pray for you as publically as I can on here.....I pray He comforts you, and gives you restful, peaceful sleep tonight, and delights over you tonight, and whispers His truths to you in your dreams.....I pray for your healing, both physical and mental.....and I pray He puts someone else into your path, that will be obediant and will take a minute to sit with you, and pray with you.

Onward to the next day of this journey.....again, hopefully one, painful, step closer to who He wants me to be.....but for the grace of God, go I............

the waiting game

As stated in my last post, God  is calling me and this blog to a different place than I first thought.  He is calling me to write about the things that He is walking out in me, and asked me, for whatever reason, to share those here.  I pray for obedience in doing so...some of the things are very private, and to be honest, are things I would rather not always share....but....He is showing me that these things are like the  proverbial "monster in the closet".  If left hidden in dark corners, or behind closed doors, they take on a life of their own, they grow bigger than they really are, and they create fear and shame.  Just like those "monsters" that you knew were just waiting to pounce, suddenly became a jacket over a chair, or a lamp at a funny angle, when the light hits them, these things, I pray, will become just as small, or less intimidating when HIS light shines upon them.    To quote an old saying, "you can't ride two horses, with one booty", is something He is revealing to me....meaning....I can't say that I am walking in obedience in some  areas of my life, but yet harbor rebellion and control and resistment in others.  He is wanting to bring me to a different place in my faith, and those of you who are close to me, know that He has done exactly that in some ways, but He is still doing some "spring cleaning" and His light is reaching into the deepest part of my soul in others...and again, I am not sure why I feel led to share them on here, maybe it is just so later in the journey, I can look back and see a reference point and rejoice for the changes -(hopefully)- that He has helped me to make.  But....if someone reads this and is also struggling, please remember, He chose the lowest of the low, when He called me to this journey....why?  I can't answer that this side of eternity....but if He can choose me, and give me the faith to walk out some of these things, I know He wants, and will, do the same for you.  If only one person reads this, and somehow thru all of my ramblings feels the stirring of His spirit, then I will choose to be obediant and write these things.....just please be patient....  :-)

But, as usual, I have wandered from the point....I am about to reveal something, that is going to shock even the closest of my friends....brace yourselves.....I am the world's most impatient person....hard to believe, I know....but it is true....I struggle with that more than anything lately.....and yet, it is even more than just patience....I struggle with waiting.....truly waiting on God....I know some of you might say it is the same thing....but that is the word He keeps giving me....not impatience....but waiting.   I have shared stories before of how I struggle with this....the bear incident being one.....I have no problem asking God for things, and knowing in my soul that He is beyond capable.....it is the "waiting" that I struggle with. ....I just returned from the beach, and while we were there, it came a horrific thunderstorm....but those of you who have seen such a storm from the beach, know that in that flat terrain, He lights up the entire sky with His power....you can see lighting that stretches for miles!  I have always wanted to capture that on film, and I have tried here, but with the mountains of Tennessee, it is next to impossible....again...back to that whole waiting thing......anyway.....we were sitting in the car, and my friend said..."we have no where to be....let's get out of the car, and see if you can get that shot".....so we did, and I literally said a prayer..."God, please, let me get this shot...show me your might, show me your power...show me that you hear me, and let me capture that to always remind me".............the storm was several miles away, but  the  lightshow was still spectactular.   So, I stood there, camera in hand, poised and ready...waiting......and waiting.....and waiting......and well you get the point....it seemed like we had been there for hours....and I finally said, let's just go....the storm seems to have moved away, and well, I am sure you can guess what happened....as soon as I dropped the camera out of position.....the entire sky lit up......so we get back into position....and wait ...and wait...and wait....and again....I give up, drop the camera....and  BOOM.....beautiful yet again.....at least 4 times, we go thru this.....finally at the last time, just as we were getting into the car....He lit up the entire sky with,  literally,  the brightest, most far reaching lighting show I have ever seen......as I was settling into the car seat, I happened to notice the time....we had only been standing for a matter of minutes....minutes.....I had asked Him to show me His power, His might, His lovingness that He hears and sees  me, that I and my prayers matter to Him,....and I had only given Him minutes???  It moved me to tears...my kiddos got quite the laugh out of it, but it also gave me a chance to share with them, the lesson that He is trying to work out in me......He wants to give me the desires of my heart, whether those are tangible items, or faith lessons, and I can only give Him minutes........why can't I learn this lesson?  Why can't I see how much more my life and faith would be if I could grasp this?  More importantly, why can't I see what a horrible mess I would be, if HE reacted to me that way....if He asked me to do something, and then only gave me minutes to respond?  Why can't I learn to give Him the same respect and grace that He extends to me?   For today, I am  thankful that He doesn't mirror my actions back to me, but loves me with an unending love, and renews His mercies to me afresh each morning.....still walking along this journey.....hoping that I am one day closer to taking hold of this lesson....and most of all thankful He is unendingly  patient with me, and "sees" the person He knows and believes I can become.....but for the grace of God go I.....

anchored.....

I just returned from a trip to the beach. AHHHH....how relaxing, how beautiful,...what a reminder of the handiwork and powerfulness of God. I loved sitting and watching my kiddos snorkeling and looking for treasures under the surface, and sharing their excitement when they would pop up with different things for me to see. Yes, most of their finds were not perfect, they were chipped, or broken, or worn from the tossing of the waves, but taking the time to examine them with the their young, innocent eyes, it amazed me at the intricate detail of each one....how each one had tiny little details, and it made me wonder, did God hand paint each one, did He hand carve each little etching detail with such delicate care? He, yet again, gave me an opportunity to share, that we, like those shells, are different examples of His love, yes...we each have, or will have over time, cracks or imperfections, but that those blemishes doesn't take away from the fact, that each of us, are handcrafted by a Father, who also took the time, to "handcraft" us, putting tiny little details into our beings as well, and that if He took the time to make each of those shells so beautiful, how much more does He put into us, the ones who are made in His image?

 He spoke to me so much over those few days, another example that I am sorting out, is how I felt standing in the surf, feeling the ground shift from beneath me. My sister and I had talked about that feeling, and how she loves it....the roughness and the pull of the water, and the ground, fading from beneath you, as you sink into the waves. I, on the other hand....HATE...that feeling. I want to know that I am secure. I want to know that I can walk out into the water in my own time, my own way and choosing. I want to know that the ground is solid beneath me, as it should be. The entire time, I was in Florida, anchors were in the forefront of my thoughts. I had told my friend to help me watch for an anchor on a boat, because I wanted a picture of one. I didn't know what lesson God was working out in me, but I knew He had something to say with an anchor, in fact, the verse in Hebrews,..."I have this hope, as an anchor for my soul...strong...and secure...", literally kept playing over and over in my thoughts. We had went to the Naval Aviation Museum, on the Naval airbase in Pensicola-(which was awesome btw..), and there were two huge anchors there, pictures are on my wall, but I had to laugh out loud at our Father, He heard my prayer for a good anchor for a picture and representation of that verse, and boy did He deliver....this anchor was massive, overpowering, and a wonderful representation of strength, so much more than the little anchors on the boats in the Harbor....but back to my point....Standing in that surf, feeling that uneasiness of the shifting beneath me, He brought the anchor back to my mind. The ocean is beautiful, yes, it is powerful, but it is also fickle, it never stays the same, not even for a moment, with each wave comes something different, new shells to see, new things to distract us, just long enough for the ground beneath us to slip away, a little at a time, until we are "knee deep", in the mire, having to pull with all we have to step out. It made me understand all anew the importance of knowing what is my anchor, my security,...knowing that while I may get distracted by all that is around me, my hope is strong, secure, steadfast, and that I can depend on Him, to hold me, grounded to Him.

 I have more to write....He is calling me to another place with this blog, than I first imagined....I have been fighting Him, on it, because He is asking me to be very real, very open, and therefore very vulnerable with things He is walking out in me. I having always asked Him, why He didn't choose to give me the gift of singing, I love to write praise songs more than anything, but they mainly sit in a box, collecting dust, because I don't have the voice to sing them..but another thing He has told me during this trip, is that He is calling me to write, sharing my story...why I dont know....things that are personal, painful...things I don't want others to know....but I have to be obediant to Him, and hold fast to the verse He has shown me....Psalms 144:1....."He is my strength, and prepares my hands for war, and teaches my fingers how to fight". I may still want that voice to sing, and may not be ready to share all of my story, but I have to hold fast to the truth that He will not ask me to do anything that he will not prepare me for, nor give me the strength to do....I am safe with Him....I am secure with Him....I am anchored with Him.....I don't know why I have chosen to write these silly little writings, maybe it is for my kiddos some day....or maybe it is just for me...to show me that He is taking me on a journey to change who I am at my core, and if writing is the way He is calling me to "fight the good fight"....then I have no choice but to obey.....but if you are reading these, please have patience with me....please have accountability with me....and please...please....always remember....always look for your journey....it is out there....just waiting for you to take your first step.....until the next.....