Just as I am

It is funny how much songs can sometimes influence our lives....how they, with the simpliest of words and/or phrases, can either transport us instantly to a different time or place, or bring memories long forgotten, in an instantence to the front of our thoughts....or with me at least, can speak to your very soul. I love to write, and while I do not pretend to have the talent that some of our great writers have, I love nothing more than a well written song, especially those that take the most unusual thoughts and phrases and link them together in a way that lasts forever....one of my favorite songwriters is Train...I love the way he took the pain of losing his beloved mother and thru that penned "Drops of Jupiter"....true talent. So of course, it seems logical that God would speak to my spirit through the talents of such people as Chris Tomlin and Mercy Me, etc....here lately though I have had the song, "Beauty of the Cross", by Jonny Diaz, literally running over and over like an old record player that is stuck, in my mind. I find myself humming it and singing the words, or like yesterday while I was posting end of month figures, I suddenly realized I had been singing it "in my head"....it is a wonderful song, and I encourage all of you to at least read the lyrics. It is about how we are all sinnners without hope, until "the sinless King" died in our place, and the chorus is: "the beauty of the cross is there's One who has redeemed my soul, the beauty of the cross is that I am free and finally letting go, The beauty of the cross is that, YOUR grace has found me just as I am". Wow! How powerful are those simple words spoken in that way....why can't I have the talent to pen something like that? It got me to thinking....just as I am....just as I am....which of course you cannot hear those words and not think of the amazing Rev. Billy Graham. I was fortunate enough to hear him speak in Nashville a few years ago, and that is one thing he is known for saying, God meets us, and saves us, "just as we are". Not how we want to be, or ought to be, or even long to be. If we waited until that was the state of our lives, we wouldn't need Him. There is also another wonderful song that is popular right now, "Jesus, Friend of Sinners", and there is a line in that song, that I haven't been able to shake...."The world is drawn to You, yet they are tripping over me"....how easy we forget that we were met, "Just as we were",...we were that outcast, ...that leper...that sinner... without a hope. How easy we forget that in God's eyes we are the same, whether we grew up in church, and therefore had a pretty good life by this world's standards, meaning we really got by without committing the big sins....or we were not so fortunate....to Him, we are exactly the same...HOPELESS. How easy it is as "Christians", -(and I use that term very lightly)-to forget "by the Grace of God, go I", who are we to think that God loved us more, and therefore let us be born into the families were born in, or even the fact He by His grace, allowed us to be born into a country were we are free to believe how we choose. He allowed that for a reason, so we could then share that good news to those who weren't. I see posts on Facebook all the time, by those who are supposed to have the love of Christ within their hearts, and at least two of these people have been put into very unique positions to touch others less fortunate than themselves....to hand deliver the message that there is hope, there is love, there is a promise of something better, but yet cannot see past themselves long enough to deliver it. I wonder how God must feel about that...how that must break His heart....how quickly we forget. I am not meaning to sound as if I am passing judgement...God has put this onto my radar for a reason...He also has reached below the lowest of the low, and pulled me to Him...I don't want to forget that for an instance....I was watching a show on TLC today, and it was about mothers who are in prison and are pregnant...how easy would it be to point our "christian" fingers at them, and pass judgement...but the more I watched it, the more it literally shredded my heart. I could almost hear the spirit whispering to me....be careful...guard your heart....always seek to love and SEE people the way I do....I died for those girls....and yet they think they are worthless.....worthlesss.....what a powerful word....a word that I have even been guilty of throwing around casually.....Just as I am....Just as I am....Just as you were....worthless....you don't die for something you consider worthless......if He loved us enough to give all He had....don't we owe the respect of at least not looking down our noses at each other, but extending a hand, looking someone in the eye...no matter where they are....and telling them they are loved? I have heard it said....love covers a multitude of sins...I know it did mine. I pray that the next time I want to pass judgement, God reminds me of JUST AS I AM...and reminds me that even though I have His grace and His mercy....it isn't really that far from my sins to His forgiveness, and only "by the grace of God, go I."

little lessons

What a whirlwind of a past two weeks it has been! The boys and Dora and I went to the Smokies last week, and then I have been in Herhey, PA this week. It's funny, how God speaks to you in tiny, small, whispers, that turn out to be some of the biggest lessons of your life. I am learning, that people have this perception of God being this overwhelming, overpowering, overcontrolling, inaccesible diety, that is somehow so massive, and all encompassing that we are like little ants on an anthill and He is an elephant, with one foot just over top of us, ready to squash us out at any instance. While, I do understand his majesty and authority, and the respect that that dictates, I am also learning that He loves to speak to us in everday, tiny little moments....sometimes so much a part of our everyday life, that we will miss them, if we are not on careful watch to see....see the lessons in love that He wants to teach us. He has brought two of these wonderful lessons to my mind within these two weeks. The first, was something that I totally missed when it happened. He brought it back to my mind today in the simpliest, silliest form. It actualy happened when I was in Chicago in January on a business trip, but He brought it to my mind today, when I posted a msg on facebook asking my friends to give me ideas for a bracelet that I am making along this journey. In fact, I call it my "journey" bracelet, and it is made up of charms and beads that represent things that are important to me as I go along, something to always remind me of the places He is taking me. There are beads to represent my family, and charms to represent different things, like a feather to remind me that, no matter where I am, I am forever beneath the shelter of His wings-(Psalms 36:7: "how steadfast is Your love, all of humanity rests beneath the shelter of Your wing)-(borrowed from a precious friend, thanks Amy)....and different things from each city...like a little statue of liberty to represent NYC...well...I realized I needed something to represent Chicago, and was thinking of my trip there, and He brought a moment to my mind, of when I was standing looking out the window of my hotel at Lake Michigan, and at this lighthouse that was still standing there...it was worn and ragged, but it still stands, and I thought to myself, "they don't build things like that anymore, I wonder what they put inside of that to make it stand strong against all the forces of nature that must have raged against it over the past 100 years or so"...and He spoke to my spirit and reminded me that I am like that lighthouse....there are forces that rage against me that should rip me to shreds....I have those same scars and am a little ragged from trying to stand all these years, but I also have something inside me that gives me that same strength to STAND.....I may sway sometimes from the force, and I may not be able to see sometimes from the storms that are raging all around and within me....but yet at the end of the day, I still have the ability to STAND...STAND...and face the storm that I see coming, intimitated? sometimes....but knowing....KNOWING...that He is within me....He is standing with me, letting me lean into Him, and be my core, my strength to see me through to the other side.... The other was a lesson in control.....that is someting He is trying to rip out of me, my tendancy to control everything....we were in the mountains, in Cades Cove, and sure enough there was a bear that was off in a field eating blackberries.....right as we got to the point we my boys could see him, he ambled off into the woods...we sat for awhile, and I was literally praying he would come back out for them to see. I try to teach them to be happy for what they have...meaning, if someone else gets to go to Disney, or to the beach, or have things that they don't, to not live their life in envy....to always look for the little things, and find a way to be satisified with what they have...but I was praying for God to give them this little moment, something they could always remember, and tell their future families...well...the bear didn't reappear, and we drove on....and I have to admit, I was a little ticked at God about it...really, how hard would it be to make a stinkin' little bear walk back out into view....but I didn't say anything, and I got over myself....well we were about to leave the little cove, and it was right at dark, and all of a sudden, Tyler spotted movement, right in the tree line beside the road. We stopped, and sure enough, a bear walked right up to the front of the car...he sniffed the hood, and then stopped to eat something right beside of us...no joke, we could have reached through the window and touched him! At first, I was overjoyed....what an awesome memory! But then, as I said a silent prayer of thanks, God, as He often does, spoke to me...."isn't things better when you ask Me to do something, then shut up, and trust Me to do it?" "My way is always better than your way, even if you can't see it, or it isn't on your timeline" "You didn't even give me a chance to answer you, just assumed that I wasn't, without WAITING for me"......WOW!!! talk about a humbling moment! Why can't I learn that? Why do I say prayers to Him, fully in my soul knowing He is beyond capable, but yet, think that He doesn't have the time to fool with a little bear request for my kiddos...that He who gave them life, doesn't love them (and me) with a love that is beyond anything we can imagine, and want to give them little "I love you moments,and memories" as well? I am looking for a little bear charm for my bracelet as well, not only to remind me of the memory with my boys, but each time I look at it, I remember that I have a Father who loves me with more than the ferociousness of a mamma bear, and when I ask Him to remind me of that love, will do so.....He will shout it all the way from Heaven, even if it is a whisper that only I can hear.

Learning to Walk

I haven't posted in awhile, mainly because of all the thoughts swimming around in my mind and soul...and to be honest, have had a hard time focusing in on one particular subject....and you should see my little notebook that I have started carrying around with me wherever I go...(Karen Friendman, I was listening in SLC, and have been "writing it down"...lol)...ANYWAY.....God has really hit me with a couple of very specific things the past two weeks, and thought I would share. Two weeks in a row, my pastor has mentioned Peter and his faith to step out onto the water to walk out to Jesus. The first time, he mentioned it, he asked the question, "how would you have responded?"...my sweet friend, said that she truly thought that she would have stepped right out.... I, on the other hand, am TERRIFIED of water, and honestly don't know how I would have responded....as bad as that sounds....it is brutally honest....but then the more I thought about it, and then after it was mentioned again today, God lovingly reminded me that He is asking me to step out of my boat even as I type this. Those of you, that have been a part of this know that God is calling me to a very specific journey right now. He hasn't asked me to step out onto a literal body of water, but He is calling me out of my "boat"...my comfort zone...into an area of being totally available to Him, and totally dependent on Him. He reminded me of how my entire life has led up to a "time such as this"...and that in so many situations, jobs, circumstances, and even with the people He placed along the way, as been teaching and preparing me for this time, and as Pastor reminds us on several occasions, that He equips me with all I will ever need in His overcoming sacrifice of the cross. That being said, He reminded me today of when my boys were learning to walk. As much as they desired independance, as long as they had one hand holding onto to something, they never really had freedom. He has been using me, yes, but I have not truly let go of my own "coffee table" so to speak. And by doing that, I may as well put a shackle on my ankle...all I was doing was just going in circles....never really giving God the freedom to move as He wills. My fellow WOCer's will understand this....I have also been guilty of being greedy....as pastor stated today, our "friend", Jesus, tried to warn us of greed, and the many ways that it presents itself. My "fixer" mentality, in trying to make things easy for everyone, had shifted to a "I want it all" mentality...yes, it was unintentional, and until today, I had not even realized that is what had happened....I had shifted my security back into my comfort zone....and it doing so had one foot out of the boat, and one hand hanging on for dear life. Jesus also revealed how He knows my heart, and in that anticipates my fear, but despises my rebellion and disobedience that had come from that fear. He loves that I am looking to Him, and is waiting for me, but I have to take that shaky, toddler like, first step...and reach for His hands to lead me to the next, ever stronger, next step, and the next...until I am running with Him. He also thru all of that, revealed something very beautiful to me in regards to what the world says is our stopping or ending points. The points that by all worldly standards should be our defining points. That I do not adhere to a wordly standard, that I adhere to a God who takes what this world disregards, and thru obedience to Him, turns into our starting points. The points that where the world says we are a failure, God says we are a miracle. That thru that, we become walking, breathing, talking, worshiping, and yes, sometimes sinning, but forgiven, REAL testomonies....testomonies to a Father who wants to give each of us a miracle, a starting point onto our own journey.....and thru that give HOPE......real, tangible, obtainable HOPE...to those around us....and afterall, isn't that what a testomony is all about....the places God takes us from.....onward....to the places we are going?