Steps of Faith

     Have you ever really sat and thought about the meanings of words?  How they came to be used in the context in which we do?  I know most of you that know me will be shocked by what I am going to admit.....I overthink everything....I look for each and every meaning behind almost everything I do, say, think, or believe, there isn't much I take just at face value.  It isn't always a good trait to have, it makes for quite a bit of turmoil within my soul and with the foundation of my faith, but God knows me, after all He designed me, and in the end He works that out, and somehow the things I do believe and stand in faith in, are deep rooted, tried and tested, and usually no one can sway me from them.  He has certainly taken me down a path the past year, I look back now and can't help but wonder had I known how difficult some of the issues He would have called me to dig deep and find resolution and freedom in, had I know just how painful and trying some of this journey would have become, would I have had the blind faith to step out and follow Him?  I can't honestly answer that, but I am thankful that, He being the all knowing Creator, spared me from some of the details, on the front end at least.  I definitely have made it thru to this point with a more defined clarity of knowing just how much we must have His strength to carry us through, just how much we take for granted what He provides to us on a daily basis, and understand how in our failures is where we learn to walk in His abundance.  But back to my question.....the meaning of words.....

     One of the words that I am focusing on today is:  RELEASE.  According to Webster's,  release means:  "to allow to escape from confinement, or to set free, to surrender".  I find myself thinking about this word alot the past few days.  Those of you who know my personal journey in a way deeper than on here, know that I have finally been granted release in an area of my life that,  at times, has been one of the most special, most enlightening, and part of one of  the most intellectual growth opportunities I have ever  experienced; however, it has also at times, been one of the most challenging, most painful, and exhausting ones as well.  I knew about a year ago that my time there was, in some realm or another, either ending or evolving into something totally different.  We all know that change is hard, some of us accept it and find a way to adapt and move on, others of us, not so much.  I have prayed and prayed to God about it, to give me wisdom, to give me patience, to give me understanding, or if nothing  else to give me endurance and faith to see His purpose, when no one, including myself could understandj.   If you refer back to the meanings of the word release, you will see:  "to surrender", I have never thought about those words being associated with release, but it is funny that definition was listed.  About two weeks ago, I had a "God" moment, it was a particularly hard day, and I knew it was going to be "trying" to say the least, but for whatever reason that day, I had had all I could take, I walked up the stairs to my desk, and literally spoke the words out loud, somehow I had the notion that if they were vocalized that way, for others to hear, for satan to hear, for me to hear, and for God to hear, that somehow they would carry more weight, but I said out loud:  "God, no matter what happens, it does not change who You are, Your purposes, Your will, and I know that no matter what, you will give me the strength to face this and push through, I am tired of fighting, I am tired of worrying, I am.....tired....it is Yours, I submit this to You, out loud, I submit this to You, no matter what You need, I am here, I am willing, I am choosing to be obedient, I am choosing to surrender this to You, not understanding, not knowing the outcome, and not questioning anymore,  and I know You will give me the strength to face whatever is coming".  Did a light shine bright and angels sing?  No, I went about my day and left it where it was.  One week to the day, I knew something was different, I don't know, maybe it was the spirit preparing me, either way, I have never felt such peace, such preparation, such readiness, and when the conversation happened, it is "funny" the exact words that were spoken, "We are giving you our blessing and RELEASING you to walk the path that you are being called to walk".  I cannot describe to you the emotions that I felt.  Again, those that know the exact nature of this story, know that God, in His overwhelming love and mercy, granted me exactly what I had prayed for.  For those of you that doubt, He truly is the God of peace, He truly desires that, and if we are patient and submit to Him, and His perfect timing, He will deliver that.  I still can't process what a wonderful, amazing Father He is.  If you are struggling with something  in your life, please take a moment and pray about it, maybe God is holding you in a difficult area of your life, to teach you something, to free you from something.  I am not going to lie, it isn't always fun, it isn't always easy to face the things in us that He needs to change, but it is for our own good, He wants to give us freedom, He wants to give us RELEASE, but sometimes, it requires our own surrender.

     The other word that is weighing on my mind today is JOURNEY.  I find the definition to journey as, of course, " travel", but the one that has struck me is:  "the passage or progress from one stage to another".  I know that when I first started this blog, I thought that it was going to be a way to detail my travels with a new "job" opportunity that God has placed into my life, but looking back over some of the other entries, I see that isn't the case at all.  It truly has become a documentation of how God has set me upon a journey to change who I am, what I believe, how I see life and those around me.  How He has been changing who I am from the inside out, to teach me compassion, to teach me love, to teach me understanding and faith, how I deal with failures and what do I use to gauge "success" in this life.  I look at that definition, "the passage or progress from one stage to another", and I see that is EXACTLY what He has been doing the past year.  I have a totally new perspective on what it means to succeed in this life.  It isn't the position you have, the title that defines you, the bullet points on your resume, or the pretty framed paper you have hanging on your wall.  Success should be defined in how much of an imprint we leave on those that the Allmighty puts upon our path.  Success should be defined in our character, in our ability to step outside of ourselves, and see the world around us, the broken, hurting, hopeless world around us, and want to leave it a little better than when we arrived.  Success is in being more judgmental on ourselves than we are on each other, to see the blessings we have been given, and take for granted.  Success is in being able to give the hope that we have been given to someone else, to make a difference in their lives, to make them understand there is Someone bigger than their hopelessness.  Success is in truly understanding gratitude and understanding that it is only by the divine Grace of God that we are who we are, and there is a world of people who would trade places with us in an instance.  I am not there yet, but looking back and seeing where He has taken me so far, I am hopeful.....I am prayerfully hopeful that He will not give up on me, that He still sees potential in me, and I am one step closer to learning the lessons He has set before me.

     Today, I am thankful for life lessons, yes they are sometimes painful, but when we make it through to the other side, we are a little closer to becoming who He needs us to be......I am thankful He is patient with me, never gives up on me, see's me as someone He can still mold and make into something He can use, .......but most of all, I am thankful to see changes in me, yes, they are tiny, but they are there, and I have to admit, it has been a bumpy, crazy at times, journey the past few months, but I wouldn't have missed it for the world, and am thankful for the wonderful people I have met along the way........looking forward to what the next leg of this journey will bring.......but for the Grace of God go I........

(the following  isn't mine, but I find inspiration in it, and thought I would share, just not sure who to credit)

"The journey of faith isn’t about where you want to go, but about where Christ wants to take you. Following Jesus means you are allowing Him to order your steps. Jesus doesn’t just want a moment of your time; He wants your life. That is, He wants you to live in complete obedience to His commands—all the time.

As long as you lean on your own understanding, you will continue to make choices that will rob you of the best God desires to give you. Don’t make the mistake of taking the easy way, for it leads to destruction; rather, walk the narrow path which leads to life. Follow Jesus!"

The guardian

     Today as I sat down to do my devotional, I had a memory dance across my mind from early this morning, and  to amusement to the gentleman beside me, literally laughed out loud.  I couldn't sleep last nite and wandered to the couch to watch some t.v., somewhere in all the "infomercials" I fell asleep -(no, I didn't give in and buy anything...all though some of those items sure were cool....), anyway, I fell asleep on the couch.  When I woke up, drowsily trying to figure out where I was, and why I was there, I noticed across the room, something "different" about my loveseat.   There were two ears, and a pointed nose, and a fuzzy face....sigh....Bosch....my German Shepherd.  She is a good girl, and knows she is not supposed to be on the furniture.....just as I "roused" up to scold her, she smiled at me....I swear....she opened her mouth, I guess to pant, but it looked just like a smile.  She started wagging her tail, looking at me that way,  as if to say "Oh thank goodness!  You are awake!!!  I have watched you all nite, standing guard, just waiting to see you wake up, and now you are, so....GOOD MORNING!"   I admit, I laughed out loud at her silly self, acting like a puppy again, and acting like I was the best thing she had ever seen.  She was so sweet, I totally forgot to scold her.

     As I enjoy the memory, I just had a couple of  verses  come to mind:

Psalm 139:1-3, “O LORD, you have searched me and you know me. You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar. You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways.” (NIV)

Psalm 3:5:  New Living Translation

"I lay down and slept, yet I woke up in safety, for the LORD was watching over me."

     As I meditate on these, it has occurred to me that in the same way Bosch stood guard over me while I slept, anticipating the moment that I awoke and saw her and acknowledge her, so does God.  He is the one who never rests, never slumbers, never sees the "light" drop over the horizon and give way to the nite.  He is faithfully watching over me, ministering to me in my dreams, speaking truths that my soul needs to hear, comforting the wounds of this life, and preparing me for the journey ahead.  He is the one who tells my heart when to beat, my lungs when to inflate, and keeps satan's demons at bay, so that I can rest.  He is the one who whispers "good morning, my love", and awakes me with His gentle touch.  He is the one who is sitting beside me, waiting, anticipating the moment my eyes open,......the moment that I will choose how to begin my day.....will I see Him......will I greet Him and thank Him for His mercy and Grace....sigh.    Or will I yet again, grumble because I went to bed to late and don't want to wake up, ....will I jump up because I am already running behind some silly schedule that doesn't allow five minutes to greet the Savior of my soul.   He knows all, He knows before I even fall asleep what will occur in the morning, and yet, He is faithful, hopeful, that something will change within me to remember Him, or better yet, have Him be the first thing that comes to my mind, when my day begins.   I think about Bosch, how disappointed she would have been had I jumped up, fussing at her, starting both our days that way, how hurt she would have been.....I know how I would feel hurting her feelings, how much more should it bother me to hurt His?   

     Today, I am thankful for God speaking to me via one of His sweetest, gentlest creatures, Bosch, .....I am thankful that He doesn't base His reaction to me upon my actions, that he doesn't limit His love and patience with me, in the way that I "fit" Him into my silly schedule......but most of all, I am hopeful that I will see the way that I,  both  end and begin,  my day in a totally different light.....that I whisper good nite to Him, knowing that He is settling in to stand guard, and awaken with a good morning to Him, knowing that despite my faithlessness, He is always Faithful........onward to tomorrow's part of this journey.....but for the grace of God go I.......

“The LORD your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, He will quiet you with his love, He will rejoice over you with singing." Zephaniah 3:17 (NIV)

Treasures from the Hope Chest

     As I am sitting in a quite corner of my church, waiting on the boys to be finished with their choir and study time, I have found myself studying my Billy Graham daily devotional. It is titled, "Hope for each day", and it has little morning and evening mini messages.  I have to admit, I wasn't drawn to the book because of the title, or even by the author, I was drawn to it based solely upon it's cover.  It is an older looking, leather type bound book, even the way it feels is special, and for a book lover like me, reminds me of long ago trips to the local "flea market" with my grandmother, and digging through countless boxes of books, most older than me. 

      I have been sitting here, enjoying the silence, running my fingers over the book and traveling back in time to those cherished moments with her, and the place that I have settled upon today, coincidentally, is a time spent   sitting and looking through the "hope chest", that she had when she was married, the same one,  that still contained special little treasures, some of which she had been acquiring from her childhood.  I loved to hear the stories of when she would find that special little piece of lace, she would tuck it away to be used in a handkerchief that was carried on her wedding day, then borrowed out to one of her daughters when they walked down the aisle, or those special pearls that survived all the moves and travels of her life, the same ones, she placed around my neck on my wedding day.    It saddens me that most families don't even have the concept of a "hope chest" anymore, I know how I felt realizing that I wouldn't share that tradition with my sons, somehow I think that the excitement of finding the perfect china pattern, or delicate little piece of fabric that could be sewn into a baby quilt, or other "girlie" items would have quite the same effect on them. 

Still, it has gotten me to thinking about how we tend to lose "hope", the value of storing up the things we are hoping for in the chests of our hearts and souls.  I am afraid we look at what the world has become around us, and we simply don't see the point.  I mean, we have the world at our fingertips, literally, anything we can dream up, can be ordered and shipped with a few simple taps on the keyboard.   I am afraid, with my own life at least, that I have lost the value in sitting down and telling God the things I hope for, and tucking those away in a quite, safe place in my heart, and pulling those out from time to time, and remembering, and looking ahead, with Him.  

     It made me wonder, just how important Hope was to Him, and when I searched my bible app, these are just a handful of verses that it linked to:

"Be of good courage , and he shall strengthen your heart , all ye that hope in the LORD ." 

"Behold, the eye of the LORD is upon them that fear him, upon them that hope in his mercy ." 

"The LORD taketh pleasure in them that fear him, in those that hope in his mercy ." 

"The LORD is my portion , saith my soul ; therefore will I hope in him." 

"Now faith is the substance of things hoped for , the evidence of things not seen."

 " But sanctify the Lord God in your hearts : and be ready always to give an answer to every man that asketh you a reason of the hope that is in you with meekness and fear"

     It seems to me, that Hope is very important, very vital to our successful existence in this life, and more importantly, essential  to our passage into the next.     The one that particularly touched me was the last one listed, "But sanctify The Lord God in your hearts: and be ready, always, to given an answer to every man that asketh  you the reason of the HOPE that is in you."  We should live our lives in such a way, that the broken, the hurting, the lonely, the rejected, the lost around us, can see the HOPE that dwells within us.  I cannot imagine where I would be, without that.  That no matter what, I still have the HOPE of Him.  I know that God will send those people to us, He has called us to be the Light of this world to them, to somehow pierce through the darkness that satan oppresses with, I am pretty sure, that if we all look back to a time, when we were trapped in that darkness, how we felt when we saw that glimmer, the moment when our soul realized there was life, and love, and forgiveness, and mercy, and grace.   The moment when HOPE took hold and gave us the strength to believe, there was something, Someone, bigger than ourselves.....how could we not want to shout that from the rooftops?

     Today, I am thankful for memories, they remind us of not only times long gone, but also of the path we have walked,......I am thankful for lessons that He can speak,  in ways I never even imagined.....but most of all, I am thankful for that HOPE,.... unending, unfailing .....HOPE that no matter where I go, or what I do, never fades.     Looking forward to the tomorrow of this journey....but for the grace of God, go I..........

Glimpses of Heaven

     Do you ever wonder what Heaven will be like?   I mean aside from  being with God, do you ever think about what we will find ourselves surrounded by when we are there?  Will we have our 5 senses, sight, smell, sound, touch, and taste?  What about emotions?  Will we have some sort of "heightened" sense of reality?  Or will we have our senses as we know them, here on earth, at all?  I think about those things a lot.  Those of you who know me, know I am, to quote my daddy, "a girl of a million questions".  I like to know what to expect, so Heaven is something I have always struggled with.  Don't misunderstand me, I want to go there, it is just the unexpected that I have trouble with.   It isn't like planning a trip to a far away land, a dot on a map, and "googling" the reviews of the people who have went ahead of you.  I am a time oriented person, so I struggle with not having eternity all planned out ahead of time.  I know, I know, crazy, but it is who I am, I can't deny it, can't hide it from God, all I can do is pray to find a way to work thru all the feelings here, and...know....truly know, that when the time comes, it will all be okay, I will leave all of this obsessiveness here, and none of this will matter there.  Still.....I can't help but wonder.....

     We have a wonderful Father, who knows the things we struggle with, and if we are obedient in turning those things over to Him, He will provide insights, provide teaching, provide ways to show us peace in our life lessons.  This one to Him, isn't any different.  He has been showing me this week into the importance of seeing "little glimpses" of Heaven, even while I am here.  In fact, He moved me to tears with the delivery of part of this lesson.  I have been "following" this precious young girl who has been struggling with cancer for some time on Facebook.  I do not know her, nor her family, but yet, her mom has been writing a blog along the way, and is one of the most inspiring people I have ever came into contact with.  The young lady has started her journey into eternity, the family has specifically asked that people no longer prayer for a miracle, she knows her time is drawing near, and instead they are praying that the transition from this world into the next will be peaceful.  In her mother's updates this week, she shared that her daughter has already started to slip into eternity, she has started to "see" people, family members, that have already passed.  She is staring to talk to them, and knows they are waiting to escort her to her new Home.   At first, I wondered, how in the world her mother could share such a private thing with the rest of us, but then He spoke to me the lesson He is teaching through her.  She is seeing "glimpses of Heaven", of things yet to come, and it occurred to me, why do we wait until that moment?  Why do we have to be "one foot" away from stepping into the other side before we can see the glimpses of Heaven He gives us each and every  day?  He, being the loving Father, that He is, has traveled the road ahead of us, and leaves little things along the side of the path to remind us of that.

     I have deliberately tried to open my eyes and my heart to see these things since reading her blog, and sure enough, they are there.....in the rose that I found after the "freeze" we had earlier this week, so delicate, but yet still alive........in the tiny little feather that my son and I found one morning on the way to school.......in the beautiful sunrise that I wake up to each day, slowly awaking the hills that I am blessed enough to call home.......Heaven is real, and it is alive, and it is here.....yes, the true Heaven is still just the other side of eternity, but it shows itself, it prepares us,   if we are on careful guard to see.

     I have been in Cades Cove today, enjoying some quite time, true quite time, taking in the sights and sounds and smells of nature.    For those of you who do not know where I am talking about, it is a 11 mile loop, nestled into the base of the Smoky Mountains, and is home to undisturbed wildlife, such as bears and deer.  It is an amazing place, one of my most cherished in fact, and I never visit without having a "God" moment.  Today was no different.  All of the above has been in the back of my thoughts, and as we drove thru, it really struck me just how much nature cries out to the Creator.  I used to say that God must really have loved us, just look at the fall colors of Tennessee if you doubt that.  Now, after today, I think I might have that wrong.  I think it is creation that is crying out to Him, worshiping Him with all that it has.  It presents itself to Him, full of vivid color and beauty, in reverence to Him, the Creator of the Heavens and the Earth.  I was really overwhelmed today by that.  I was reminded again of a lesson He has been walking out in me for awhile now, "I was blind, but now I see".  That is something that is taking on so much of a different meaning to me now.  There is so much to this world that points to the next, if only we take the time to see.....truly see.....

    Today I am thankful for lessons that come even through pain, and through that, I am thankful for a lesson that came from a beautiful young lady, who, even in death, has more courage and insight that I can even hope to have.  I am thankful for a Father who will continue to open my eyes, and more importantly, grant me visions, or glimpses of Him when I am open to "see" them.  Most importantly, I am thankful that He is unendingly patient with me, even with my "million and one" questions.....onward to seeing those "Heavenly glimpses"  in tomorrow's part of this journey....but for the grace of God go I.......

Bunnies and Blessings

     Today, I find myself wondering how it is that I have managed to live as long as I have in a state of near blindness and not even realize it?   Was I so self absorbed that I didn't even notice those along the "side of road" so to speak along the path of life that I have been walking?  I remember reading the story of the good Samaritan in the Bible, and thinking, "how could those men have been so mean? "Surely I would have been the one to stop and help the wounded man."  But now I wonder.....how many times have I walked right on past, not even noticing the broken, wounded, hurting around me?

     For the past several months, the boys and I have been praying on the way to school, specifically for God to remind us that we are here to represent Him to those who need Him, and we might be the only evidence of Him that they see.   To put people throughout our day that are hurting, or confused, or weak, and to help us to recognize those moments and "listen", be "in tune" with what His message is for them.  I have said before that God truly hears those prayers, He desires us to see this world as He does, through His eyes,  and with His compassion.  He will send those people our way, when we ask Him to..  I have to admit, there are times, I have to "check" myself, because it isn't always easy to walk that out, often it is that person that we aren't so fond of, or maybe has been less than nice to us in the past, or someone we wouldn't even communicate with on our own terms and conditions.  I find that more often than not, it isn't a simple word, or prayer, or pat on the back, paired with a quick, "I'll pray for ya", that they need.  This life is hard, and it doesn't always present itself in a pretty little, quick fix package.

     I have shared that I understand now, at least in part why I am still in a certain place, that I thought I would have left months ago.   At least three different people have been put into my path, that I know,  I KNOW have been "God moments".  As soon as they occurred, I knew in my spirit, that God whispered, 'There is your answer, that is why I am not finished with you here'.  Has that been easy?  No.   Have I been perfectly obedient in accepting that?  No.  At least not in the beginning, but I found myself in another situation last week, and after it was over, I had a clear revelation from God.  He has given me freedom in some hard, deep rooted areas of my life.  I hadn't even noticed it until then, in fact, in occurred to me, that in focusing more on Him, and His will for my pathway the past 10 months or so, I had not even noticed when the freedom and the healing had come.  He revealed to me, that is sometimes how He works, something just shifts inside....just lets go and makes room for Him, and His will....on a spiritual level, we are so in tune with Him, that we don't even notice when the hurt, and the wounded places let go.  In realizing this, I had a revelation from Him.  He spoke very clearly to me, "I have healed you, and through your wounds, have given you a voice, a voice to encourage and remind broken, hurting people, that I care....they matter to me, how dare you try to keep that silent?  You have asked me to bring these people to you, I have heard your prayer, and they are coming..speak to them, love on them, introduce them to me".  I cannot even type those words without having to walk away and compose myself....how overwhelming that He would trust this wonderful treasure in such a fragile clay pot as me?  But then again, how could I not share what He has done and is doing for me?

     That brings me to today's lesson.  I was in a situation today, where I met one of His broken children, who actually looked at me, with despair, true, despair in her eyes as she said that she had been praying to God, and He wasn't listening to her......how sad....to truly believe that.  Her situation was like so many of us have found ourselves in at one point or another...she had been taking time off work without pay to care for her elderly ailing mother, and had found herself not having enough money to pay for gas to get to work the rest of this week.  She had this sweet, fat little pet bunny, that she had put in the back of her truck with a sign that said, "please buy my bunny for $20, so I can buy gas to get to work".......You could tell this little rabbit was well loved, and her cherished pet, he was the sweetest thing, and loved to be petted.  We all tried to give her money, which she didn't want to accept, she didn't want a "free gift", that she couldn't repay, or offer something in return for......hmmm...kinda reminds me of another situation where a "free gift", one that NOTHING we have to offer can repay.......they had told her that we live on a farm, and could take the bunny with no problems, so I went to sit with her and discuss.  I told her I didn't want to take her,  obviously, cherished family pet, to which she begin to cry, and say if she didn't have money for gas, she wouldn't have money to feed him, and would rather know he would go to a home who would take care of him and love him as much as she does.  As she was crying and telling me this, I felt the spirit tug at me, and speak to me, and I knew this was not by chance that she and I were crossing paths.  I prayed that God would give me the words that he had for her.  I told her that I wanted to help, that I had spoken to my husband, and he wanted to help...that it wasn't that long ago, we had been in similar situations, and did not judge her...that it is only by the Grace of God, go I.  She, then tells me that she has been praying to God for help, and for faith, and didn't know if He was hearing her.   I was then able to tell her that God answers prayers in all kinds of ways, sometimes not how we imagine, or how we want, but that I felt that God had led her there, where she could be helped, without judgement, and how we are all called to be each other's angels at one time or another, and we both had to be obedient in this God appointed meeting.  I had to be obedient in letting God bless her through me, but she also had to be obedient in accepting His blessing.  It was a lesson, that was God ordained, God appointed, and we both had to be in agreement to receive from Him.  And I also reminded her that He would honor that obedience, and in turn, would put her in the position someday to do the same for someone else.  To watch the Light, and the Life, come back in her eyes is something I cannot find the words to express, what an honor to be able to remind one of His children, one of my "sisters" that she matters....she matters....she is not forgotten, or judged, or condemned by Him. I was able to remind her that He loved her so much that He set into motion events that would allow us to cross paths. I have found myself thinking of the woman at the well, and thinking that is how Jesus must have seen her.  He didn't look at her and see "whore" or "trash", He looked at her and saw worth and value.  It also reminded me of a time not so long ago, that I was like that woman at the well, maybe our sins weren't the same in nature, but we were still the same distance from Him, unable to free ourselves from the web that we had weaved and entangled ourselves in, and yet He gave all He had in order to bridge that distance.  Once  see this world through His eyes, it brings a whole new clarity to things.....it brings a whole new meaning to, "I was blind, but now I see"......
     Today I am thankful for life, for love, for forgiveness.  I am thankful for a Father who continues to speak to me, until He is able to breakthrough my selfishness.  But most of all, I am thankful He speaks to me through all of His beautiful creation, even fat, furry, bunnies.......hoping to see tomorrow's part of this journey through His eyes.....but for the grace of God go I.......

Chipped pitchers/Hidden treasures

     I love how God teaches me little lessons in the most simplest of ways.  He touches my heart with how He speaks to me on my, human, practical terms.  This lesson came in the form of a old glass tea pitcher that means the world to me.....

     A few years ago, my father and I were waiting to have some minor repairs done on my car, and we decided to walk over to a little antique store to pass the time.   I loved walking with him, and having him tell me what some of the old farm stuff was for, and hearing stories of who in the family might have happened to have items just like the ones we were seeing.  I ran across this little glass tea pitcher....it was sitting on the bottom shelf...and had been well loved.  It had this little chipped place right at the top of the rim, and I suppose, due to it's imperfection, had earned it's less than perfect selling spot.  I walked around with it, debating on whether or not to spend the money on such a trivial, unneeded item.  I was a new mom at the time, working part time, and couldn't really justify the purchase, and so...I left it on that bottom shelf.   A few days later my dad walked in with this "package" wrapped up in old newspaper, and moved me to tears when I unwrapped the little pitcher.  I know that most people would not have spent the money on something that was damaged, but I love that pitcher.  Each time I make sweet tea or lemonade, I run my finger over that spot and make up little stories as to how it got there....I imagine a long ago time, and another mother stirring her special drink for her family.   This day though, as I was daydreaming about the chip, God spoke to me,...."That's how you are to me, you know".

     I have to admit, I had to "mull" that over for a few days, and pray about the lesson God was trying to show me in comparing me to a broken, old pitcher.   This morning I think He revealed His answer, in reminding me of:

2 Cor. 4:7 (NIV):  "We now have this light shining in our hearts, but we ourselves are like fragile clay jars containing this great treasure.  This makes it clear that our great power is from God, not from ourselves"

God reminded me that I am like that chipped, imperfect pitcher, in that as much as I loved it from the first moment I saw it, how much more does He love me?  He still chose me, in spite of my mistakes, my imperfections, He sees past all of that, and understands that I am still usable to Him.  My body, my "tent" might still be broken and worn, but inside...in the part of me that is alive...my soul....inside is where He can dwell and through my obedience can be useful to Him to "shine" His light and love to all the other "broken" vessels around me.  He reminded me that if we are willing, He can take the most feeble, the most uneducated, the weakest of us and accomplish His greatest goals.  Look at the disciples if you don't believe that.  What a "ragamuffin" bunch, but He used them to change the world.  If they were able to accomplish all that they did, how much more can we, with all the technology God has blessed us with?

     He showed me that without my mistakes, my "chips", I cannot understand forgiveness, and until I understand forgiveness,  I cannot understand mercy, and until I understand mercy,  I cannot understand grace, and until I understand grace, I will never obtain and know compassion.  And without compassion, I might as well be an empty pitcher. without compassion, I will never understand how to let "Him" shine from within this broken vessel.  Instead of seeing myself as that imperfect, useless, weak earthen vessel, I have to learn how to recognize  that it is in my failures, that I truly learn to walk in His abundance.   That is what will draw others to us, that is what will be what they see in us that gives them hope....hope that they also  matter, and are worth that second glance, or that place higher  than the bottom shelf.   I also hope to be more diligent and obedient in extending that same grace to the people God has placed in my life.  I sometimes get "holier than thou", so "hell-bent" on seeing your mistakes, that I forget about my own.  I can only pray that God gives me that true, Godly compassion, to see the world through His eyes, each time I see a chipped, broken, damaged pitcher,.... or teacup, ....or person, .... that I remember this lesson, and I see the value that He places on the things that this world throw away.

     Today, I am thankful for learning to see things as they were meant to be, rather than how they appear to be.....I am thankful for a Father who loves me so much more than a broken pitcher and each time He touches me remembers our journey together........but most of all I am thankful that I have a Father who sees potential in me, sometimes when I don't even see it myself.......onward to the tomorrow of this journey....but for the grace of God go I......

love letter from the locker room

     What a weekend I have had!  I have had the blessing of standing in three different states, counting my own beautiful Tennessee, all within a 72 hours span.  I had the opportunity of not only,  meeting dozens of people who also struggle with the same disease I do, but also sitting in a conference, and listening and learning,  from some of the top professionals on HAE in the world.  You would think I would understand more than anyone, just how blessed I am......sigh....

     You would think that, however,  the reality is that,  I "hit a brick wall" this weekend.   My body was tired, my mind was spent, and my spirit was weak.  Not a good combination.  And all of those added up in an equation, that left me reeling.  I love my "job", my "purpose", my "destiny" that God has set me on the path to walk right now.  I would not trade it for anything.  I suppose however, in trying to "do", instead of trusting Him to "lead", I had lost sight of the goal for a bit.  I had allowed "situations" to take priority that they did not deserve, and I was tired before I had even left, and that had set me up to "play catch up" all weekend, instead of just relaxing in the amazing opportunity He had gifted me with.  It made me think of times, I had planned the "perfect" present for my kids, and either because they were tired, or preoccupied with something else, they didn't react the way I had hoped.  I am sure that is kinda how I was with Him, this weekend.  Two years ago, I would have never been able to attend one of these meetings, I would have never been able to afford it, both in time and money, but God is so much bigger than that....He worked behind the scenes, and provided me with the chance to go and not pay a dime....not in travel, not in fees, not in hotels, food, anything...what a perfect gift....how I imagine Him, giggling, waiting to see my expression when I found out I could go....and how He must have felt, when I allowed myself to get in the mindset I was in.  Don't get me wrong, I am sure my neighbors must have thought I was going insane, when  I openly wept for a few minutes during one of the speakers, as I let it sink in that I was there, really and truly there, somewhere I had never thought possible, surrounded  by people who live life as I do, understanding the pain, and the cost of this disease, when for so many years, I literally thought I was the only one.  Words cannot express how grateful I am to Him for His gift.

    While all of the above is 100% true, it was so hard to leave my family this weekend, in part, because one of them was supposed to have been with me, and I felt so guilty in leaving him behind.  I didn't fully enjoy seeing all of the sights of DC without him, and couldn't get him and his brother off my mind.  I knew going into this  "job" that it meant time away from them, but I also knew that God was perfect in His timing, and they are at an age that they are ok without me for short periods of time, and being away from them for a few days means they are with me during the summer and other breaks from school.....still....this momma missed her "babies" this weekend.   That added to an event at the airport send me and my faith spiraling.

    I have not been able to attend WOC on Sunday mornings for a couple of weeks, and I didn't realize how much that would affect me.  Given the events of the past few weeks, I have been in the mindset of desiring so much, to be in worship, be in teaching, learning and absorbing all I can.  I understand your private study time is critical, but I guess I missed church as much as I missed home.  After all of the above, I was near a breaking point on the plane, but instead of withdrawing into myself as I would have done in the past, I really spent that time, praying and talking to Him, leaning into Him, and asking Him to minister to me.  I had hoped to have my driver drop me off at church in time for Sunday nite services, and I have to admit, I was disappointed when I found out we were having a "movie" nite instead.    I decided to still have him drop me there, at least I would see the boys sooner, right?  I started asking God to speak to me, meet me, show me that He is still in control of this path, that I am still on track, that I am still hearing Him.....if He can provide a way for me to go to DC, then  He can speak to me during a football movie, right?

     I don't know if you have ever seen the movie, "Facing the Giants",, but if not, please make an effort to see it.  It is an awesome, Christian based, family movie that tells the story of a ragamuffin team, and a coach who is at rock bottom, and how in their weakest moment, God's strength shines strong.  hmmm.....coincidence that this was the movie that was playing?   :-)     There is a point in the movie, where a gentleman comes to the coach and reads the passage from Revelation 3, that  says:

"We serve a God that opens doors that no one can shut, and He shuts doors that no one can open. He says: ‘Behold, I have placed before you an open door that no one can shut. I know you have a little strength, yet you have kept My word and have not denied My name, and I will withhold the trouble of this world"

     How much I needed that verse....It spoke like an arrow straight to my soul.  He knew what I needed from Him, and used a movie to speak it, right at the perfect moment.....the moment He knew I had hit a "wall", the moment He knew I had lost my footing and my sight was clouded, the moment He knew my strength was gone, and I needed to see His strength rise up and take hold and shine.  How amazing  He is.  How loving He is.  How perfect He is.  OH!  in case you are not familiar with this story...this is one of the letters to the churches...this one in particular is the letter to Philadelphia....those of you who know my story, know how much more this is also in His perfection....my journey.....it started............ in Philadelphia.......

     Today I am thankful for opportunies, .....I am thankful for gifts from Heaven.....but most of all I am thankful for a Father, who loved me so much, He wrote me a love letter...thousands of years ago....yeah, it was also to a church....but somehow I believe He had me in mind when He wrote it......onward to tomorrow's leg of this journey....but for the grace of God, go I........