the waiting game

As stated in my last post, God  is calling me and this blog to a different place than I first thought.  He is calling me to write about the things that He is walking out in me, and asked me, for whatever reason, to share those here.  I pray for obedience in doing so...some of the things are very private, and to be honest, are things I would rather not always share....but....He is showing me that these things are like the  proverbial "monster in the closet".  If left hidden in dark corners, or behind closed doors, they take on a life of their own, they grow bigger than they really are, and they create fear and shame.  Just like those "monsters" that you knew were just waiting to pounce, suddenly became a jacket over a chair, or a lamp at a funny angle, when the light hits them, these things, I pray, will become just as small, or less intimidating when HIS light shines upon them.    To quote an old saying, "you can't ride two horses, with one booty", is something He is revealing to me....meaning....I can't say that I am walking in obedience in some  areas of my life, but yet harbor rebellion and control and resistment in others.  He is wanting to bring me to a different place in my faith, and those of you who are close to me, know that He has done exactly that in some ways, but He is still doing some "spring cleaning" and His light is reaching into the deepest part of my soul in others...and again, I am not sure why I feel led to share them on here, maybe it is just so later in the journey, I can look back and see a reference point and rejoice for the changes -(hopefully)- that He has helped me to make.  But....if someone reads this and is also struggling, please remember, He chose the lowest of the low, when He called me to this journey....why?  I can't answer that this side of eternity....but if He can choose me, and give me the faith to walk out some of these things, I know He wants, and will, do the same for you.  If only one person reads this, and somehow thru all of my ramblings feels the stirring of His spirit, then I will choose to be obediant and write these things.....just please be patient....  :-)

But, as usual, I have wandered from the point....I am about to reveal something, that is going to shock even the closest of my friends....brace yourselves.....I am the world's most impatient person....hard to believe, I know....but it is true....I struggle with that more than anything lately.....and yet, it is even more than just patience....I struggle with waiting.....truly waiting on God....I know some of you might say it is the same thing....but that is the word He keeps giving me....not impatience....but waiting.   I have shared stories before of how I struggle with this....the bear incident being one.....I have no problem asking God for things, and knowing in my soul that He is beyond capable.....it is the "waiting" that I struggle with. ....I just returned from the beach, and while we were there, it came a horrific thunderstorm....but those of you who have seen such a storm from the beach, know that in that flat terrain, He lights up the entire sky with His power....you can see lighting that stretches for miles!  I have always wanted to capture that on film, and I have tried here, but with the mountains of Tennessee, it is next to impossible....again...back to that whole waiting thing......anyway.....we were sitting in the car, and my friend said..."we have no where to be....let's get out of the car, and see if you can get that shot".....so we did, and I literally said a prayer..."God, please, let me get this shot...show me your might, show me your power...show me that you hear me, and let me capture that to always remind me".............the storm was several miles away, but  the  lightshow was still spectactular.   So, I stood there, camera in hand, poised and ready...waiting......and waiting.....and waiting......and well you get the point....it seemed like we had been there for hours....and I finally said, let's just go....the storm seems to have moved away, and well, I am sure you can guess what happened....as soon as I dropped the camera out of position.....the entire sky lit up......so we get back into position....and wait ...and wait...and wait....and again....I give up, drop the camera....and  BOOM.....beautiful yet again.....at least 4 times, we go thru this.....finally at the last time, just as we were getting into the car....He lit up the entire sky with,  literally,  the brightest, most far reaching lighting show I have ever seen......as I was settling into the car seat, I happened to notice the time....we had only been standing for a matter of minutes....minutes.....I had asked Him to show me His power, His might, His lovingness that He hears and sees  me, that I and my prayers matter to Him,....and I had only given Him minutes???  It moved me to tears...my kiddos got quite the laugh out of it, but it also gave me a chance to share with them, the lesson that He is trying to work out in me......He wants to give me the desires of my heart, whether those are tangible items, or faith lessons, and I can only give Him minutes........why can't I learn this lesson?  Why can't I see how much more my life and faith would be if I could grasp this?  More importantly, why can't I see what a horrible mess I would be, if HE reacted to me that way....if He asked me to do something, and then only gave me minutes to respond?  Why can't I learn to give Him the same respect and grace that He extends to me?   For today, I am  thankful that He doesn't mirror my actions back to me, but loves me with an unending love, and renews His mercies to me afresh each morning.....still walking along this journey.....hoping that I am one day closer to taking hold of this lesson....and most of all thankful He is unendingly  patient with me, and "sees" the person He knows and believes I can become.....but for the grace of God go I.....